Precious Boy

On Friday, Ben and I decided to go out to dinner just the two of us, I am pretty sure this is the first time that happened in a very long time, likely sometime when I was pregnant with River, 2 years ago! As we were dropping Asher off at Grandpa and Grandma Foerst's for a couple of hours, we saw 6, yes SIX, deer along the driveway. They just stood there and watched us drive by. They were fairly close to the road and I pondered if I could get the camera out fast enough, but didn't make it in time.

This was a very special moment in celebrating our birthdays, I know without a doubt that happening was because of my precious boy. River seems to have put deer in my path many times over the last year and a half. The photo above was a gift I received over Christmas, and it has a beautiful etching of a deer on it.

Thank you River, for wishing your daddy and I a happy birthday. It was wonderful to feel your presence more than just in spirit. We love you and are so grateful you celebrated our birthdays with us. You helped make this birthday weekend one of the most special birthdays we have ever had!

Neverending Feelings

I wonder, if the feelings that come around the 30th and 6th of every month will ever go away. Sometimes they come and I don't realize why, until after the fact. Other times it's glaringly obvious why they are here: my baby isn't.

The 30th is the day River was born, the 6th is the day he passed away. I have been grumpy and frustrated all week. It doesn't matter who, why or what, I have just not been able to get it out of my mind. It just so happens that this month, my husband and I are celebrating our 30th birthdays on the 5th and 6th. How do I feel about that?

Well, I am suppose to have two baby boys, that is a thought that is hard to recover from. River should be 21 months old! Instead I remember him as a precious little baby who lived in our arms for less than a week. Asher has more teeth coming in, and has been such a sweet snuggly boy. He has been hilarious at trying to stand on his own, and walk around the room hanging on to the furniture. These things really make me miss River. Asher amazes me every day, and really takes my breath away, but every time he does something new, I wonder more and more about River. I have to stop myself often, and just remember to enjoy him.

I have been trying to keep these negative feelings under control by focusing all of my energy into River's Run and Ride Rally as well as our Compassionate Friends chapter. These are the only things I can do to keep his memory alive, and help others. Sometimes it feels overwhelming and I think that I really would just like to have him back. Then, of course, I realize that I can't.

So I keep moving, forward, I think. I am still his mother, and I still love him with all of my heart. I wish things were different, but they can't be, so I work with what I've got. That is my love for my family and River pushing me to do whatever I can.

This is most definitely not where I thought my life would be when I was 30, but it is and I am going to make the best of it! I know that River will be at our birthday party, helping us celebrate!

River's Run and Ride Rally Updates!

*UPDATE* As of today, 02/01/2011, River's Run and Ride Rally is officially 501(c)(3)!!!! This is the most AMAZING news!! It really brought tears to my eyes that we will be able to continue to help so many people. River lives on, through the hard work and dedication of our board of directors, to bring help, healing and hope to those enduring hardships!

Things are really coming together!
Our events are listed on our website, there are some amazing donations that have been sent to us already and we have amazing support in sponsors!!

Full Sponsors:

Partial Sponsors:

B&L Caskets & Custom Wood Products - Co-owners: Adam Broten & Cash Langeness (715)327-4200

Thank you to all of our supporters! Through your generosity we are able to reach so many people and families in need. We appreciate your kindness!!!

Shine, Jesus, Shine

This week at church, Ben and I were honored to be chosen as godparents for the son of one of our closest friend's. Another friend of ours was going to be a godparent as well, although his life was taken in a car accident, so his mother stood in his place. Our pastor (my father-in-law) noted that he could not be with us physically but he was in spirit, as he was with our Heavenly father. After fighting tears through this, we sat down and I noticed that the offering song was "Shine, Jesus, Shine." Seeing this brought me further to tears, as this song was sang at River's Funeral. Another Pastor, sang this toward the end of his service, and it was so beautiful.

This song was chosen for River's service, because River's grandpa said "on the morning River died, in the middle of all the sadness and darkness, there was a part of a song that kept going through my mind that became a prayer. I heard this melody which I found out later was from the hymn "Shine, Jesus, Shine," and my prayer became flow, Spirit, flow bring in us a comfort, flow, river, flow."

Hearing it this Sunday was the first time I had heard it since that day, May 9, 2009. I felt like I was back in that moment, wondering how this could be happening, how I was going to spend my first Mother's Day without my son? How was I going to keep moving, without him to hold? How was I going to get through his first Christmas, his first birthday? I couldn't even think beyond the "firsts."

Now I have spent 2 Mother's Days, Christmases, and almost 2 birthdays without him on earth, but I have realized that he does flow through us, his parents and family in everything we do. When the tears began to pour out, his baby brother, Asher leaned over out of Daddy's arms and took hold of my shoulder, hugging us both. I know that River too, does shine on us. We will make sure that his life with us continues to flow and shine bright even though we are not able to hold him in our arms, we will carry him in our hearts forever.

The lyrics are played in this video:

Cold January Day

So, there was a woman today that approached me and wanted to thank my husband and I for what we do for others. She was referring to The Compassionate Friends, support group. She shared with me that she lost a baby, at 6 months gestation...in the 60's. She was living in California and the hospital would not tell her if it was a boy or girl. She began to tear up, she said it's always bothered her that she never knew if she had a son or daughter.

She asked if she could give me a hug, to which I said sure. If a simple hug from me could make someone that I barely know feel better, then I will do it! I told her that she is welcome to come to our meetings, and we would love to hear more about her baby. I discussed with her, that even after all of these years she could give the baby a name. I know people that have miscarried before doctors could tell the gender, use this as a way to give the baby an identity. Now, I have ideas, but not many so I would appreciate suggestions. I have heard before: peanut, star, sprout, jellybean...

This may be a way to give her a little peace, after all this time has passed. We know how it feels when someone, anyone acknowledges our children, it's music to our ears. This poor woman not only has nobody acknowledging her baby now, but when it was born! I could tell she was very angry by how that was handled.

I hope I see her again someday. I would like to tell her that she impacted me, just that few minutes, on a random, cold January day. I will never forget her story.

Christmas Gifts for River

So, I am really late on this...because I am awful at uploading pictures and even worse at organizing them! I did feel like I wanted to share the wonderful things that were given to us!

It made me very happy that we received so many! We were in the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope gift exchange and Melissa sent us the beautiful feather ornament (top middle) and the candle holder (bottom right) with River's name etched on it! We continued our tradition and made him a candle (bottom left). Both years for Christmas, we got a white Poinsettia for him at church. The beautiful heart ornament (top left) came from Grandpa & Grandma Foerst, the ornament of Asher's hands and River's brick at Faith's Lodge (bottom middle) came from Grandpa & Grandma Wheeler.

Thank you all for your generosity and remembering our sweet baby River.

Stylish Blogger Award!

I got an award! This award is from Jamie at Forget-me-not, Oh Lord!. Thank you, I am so new to this, that connecting with so many people who are so thoughtful and kind is amazing! I started this blog, to share River's life and it has become so much more, thank you all!

Here are the rules that come with receiving this award....
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

Share 7 things about myself? Hmmm...

1. I am married to my high school sweetheart (although we went to different schools) and we have been through everything, and I thought that we had endured a lot before our sweet baby River, but now I know that we can survive as long as we have each other to keep going forward.

2. I am blessed to be an angel mommy, but also a mommy on earth to an amazing little boy who is nearing 10 months old and literally takes my breath away every day.

3. I am an assistant librarian, which was a huge career change after River passed away and it was one of the best things I have ever done.

4. My family has been amazing, they have been there for me and worked hard to help us remember River. My husband's parents have also gone above and beyond. Thank you all so much!

5. I would love to find more time to organize my pictures, scrapbook (real or digital) and stamp cards. These are things I always wish I had available.

6. I have been trying to get back into shape, more than just a New Year's resolution. River and his little brother were born just a year apart and that takes a toll!

7. We want to have more children some day, but need to get many things in order first (#6 being one of them). So many people say now, "wait 'til you have more kids running around" and to that I think - I do! Being a parent to River is just as time consuming and exhausting as parenting Asher. It's just in a different way because he isn't here physically and so many forget that.

On to the award winners, that I am notifying:

* Amazing Mikayla Grace - Melissa is a momma I got to meet at Faith's Lodge when my husband and I were volunteering, we reconnected through Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope and since become support we didn't imagine!

*Mattie at Beauty Will Rise - I am finding much inspiration in her strength. I know they say we are all "strong" for going through this, but some can share their strength with others and Mattie does!

*Kristin at Dear Stevie... - I am new to her personal blog and have just begun to learn about her precious baby girl.

* Ella's Halo - this is a family sharing their love for their little girl with so many! It's amazing to see people doing something like this for others.

*Alissa at On KK's Butterfly Wings - I came into touch with through Melissa, and it is unbelievable how someone I have never met can be so supportive!

*Small Bird Studio's creator, Franchesca is another new one for me, she is celebrating the birthday week of her beautiful studio, check her blog out for some awesome giveaways!

*Our Journey to Bailey & Beyond is from a momma that is working through adoption, Danae. She has a beautiful idea and needs our help to put this together. Go over and check her out, give a hand if you can!

*Stephanie at Carried Through Grief is carrying her rainbow baby! This is a challenging task, as any angel mother knows, please give her your support as she endures this new adventure!

*CarlyMarie is one of the first inspirations I had. I have always wanted to find something to bring to our community, like she does & I just haven't found the right thing for me yet. I continue to be blown away by her work and generosity!

*The team at Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope is wonderful! They connect our world, and allow us a safe place to share our stories.

*Lea at Angel Wings Memorial Boutique is so generous and her work is beautiful, I have been meaning to get River's wings done...hopefully I can cross that off my to do list soon!

*Bree at My Baby Butterfly Ella has a beautiful parade of butterflies for our babies gone too soon.

*My Forever Child is something I was introduced to early in our journey as my mother in law found it, and got the tag with River's footprints for my husband. I only recently found her blog, thank you Sue!

*Names on the Sidewalk by Tiffany is another beautiful idea to cherish our children's names, they all would have loved to play with sidewalk chalk! Lovely idea and another thing on my to-do list!

*Lastly, a blog that has been worked on by a dear, dear friend in memory of our precious River. This is for the event that we host annually as well as fund raise for throughout the year, check out her work for us at River's Run and Ride Rally.

Thank you again, for giving me this opportunity to share my story. Thank you for reading about my precious baby boy. Thank you all for your support and love. Thinking of you all, and always remembering our angels,.

If this is any indication...

So, here we are on January 8th, 2011. Officially one week into the new year, and so much has happened already! As the days pass, I think more and more about the fact that in just 3 short months, River would be 2. TWO!? It still at times doesn't seem real, that my first child was born 2 years ago, and he isn't here to hold, play with and snuggle to sleep at night.

On that note, Asher started walking this week, pushing his little toy around the living room, and he is so good at it! He is not quite 10 months, and Ben and I were just laughing, because he'd slip onto his bottom and get right back up! Through all of this I wondered, about River. When would he have started to walk? Asher is also finally getting his top teeth in the front, and I wonder what River's smile would have looked like. So hard, I will never know. I know that he is pushing me, his mommy, to do so many things. To try and help as many people as I can. He is guiding me through almost every day.

Which leads me to River's Run & Ride Rally. We have begun getting ready for 2011's main event, which happens to fall on Mother's Day weekend this year. We started soliciting donations, and have gotten some wonderful responses already!

Angel Bracelets is donating a certificate for purchase of their products, Carly is donating some of her beautiful photography, it's so amazing! The list goes on, we are going to be Franchesca's "Pay It Forward" recipient in March - which means that a portion of all of her blog designs for that month will be given to us! I don't know about you, but so far, I'd say that we are off to a wonderful start! I am also working with another amazing mommy, Melissa, on some items for silent auction. She did a giveaway a while back where I won a beautiful memory box. It is gorgeous!

The one thing all of these women have in common is that they have lost their babies. It takes my breath away, the generosity of these ladies in memory of their children. I guess it's something that comes with the pain, learning to pay it forward. I want to personally thank each of them, and I look forward to working with them on projects in the future.

The last big thing that happened this week, is that Ben and I are officially chapter leaders of The Compassionate Friends. This is a support group for bereaved families, and the closest one was an hour away. We are honored to be able to help families, and give them a safe place to talk about their children, and remember them. It is a big step, I was almost in tears. Never in my life did I ever imagine I could possibly have the strength to do something like this. I guess I never imagined that I would be a "bereaved parent" either and I somehow am moving through life with that title, so I can do this too! Our first meeting is in a week and a half! Wish me luck :)

I think that covers the first week of 2011. If this week is any indication of what's in store for this year, I have my work cut out for me! I am going to try and get some pictures uploaded of the beautiful ornaments and things we received for River this holiday season. I cherish every one of them!

2011 So Far

Well, this year has been incredibly busy and we are only 3 days in! I vowed to get as much done before going back to work yesterday as I possibly could, and I did pretty well! I have been working hard on getting organized, creating a feasible schedule for our household, and of course playing with precious Asher as much as I can!

I started going to the gym again, something that over the last few months, had become lost in the madness. It feels good, and it's only been a few days! I need to get into shape if I am going to keep up with myself or our rainbow baby that is trying to walk!

I began work on the River's Rally website, so much information to share there, and it's so nice to have a user friendly site for both me and viewers! (Thank you Jesse, for your patience and help on this!) I started a database of people and places that we mailed donation request letters to before the end of the year, and a list of those I have thought of since then.

We decided what to do for our 30th birthdays yesterday. It looks like we are inviting everyone to the Pizzeria for dinner on my birthday (Saturday), as Ben's birthday is Sunday and the Superbowl will be on...which is always a great way to spend a birthday! We are hoping that the Packers keep up momentum and do well in the playoffs!

I started to send out emails for the meeting we are having in 2 weeks regarding beginning a chapter of The Compassionate Friends in our area. Ben and I would be chapter leaders! I know, I know...who needs more on their plate right? It's something I wish I'd had closer when River passed away and I will consider it a privilege to help others that have to endure this pain.

So we are on our way to a very busy, but meaningful 2011, watching Asher grow and working hard to help others in memory of his big brother. Someday he will understand the reason behind all the craziness that goes on in our home!

Hoping that everyone can find peace and hope as we embrace a new year, while remembering children that cannot be with us to hold in our arms, but will be with us in our hearts forever.

River's Run and Ride Rally 2011

We are in high gear as the year comes to an end, getting ready for next year's event. The big day is May 7, 2011. This year we raised over $8000 on this one day for Faith's Lodge, The Compassionate Friends and River's Uplift Program. We are busy mailing out letters and compiling lists of people or places who are willing to donate to our cause. We are looking for gift certificates, merchandise, monetary donations as well as hand-crafted and one-of-a-kind items. This year's silent auction and raffle was amazing and we hope to make next year's even better! I am hoping to find unique items that will make our community inspired to donate! River's Run and Ride Rally helped so many people since May of this year, we want to be able to do even more next year!

River's Second Christmas

This Christmas is very different from last year. We are celebrating Asher's first Christmas, and what should be River's second! The biggest difference is that we actually got a tree this year, a real one and decorated it. We had done this in years prior, but didn't last year as we just had a very special tree for River, which has become a permanent fixture in our house!

We have done many special things to include River in our holidays, as we did last year:

*I participated in a wonderful gift exchange through Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope, as you may have read in an earlier post, it was beautiful to receive gifts in the mail for my precious baby from Melissa, Mikayla's mommy!
*River's Run & Ride Rally, Inc. purchased gifts for Operation Christmas.
*Ben and I bought a gift card when we went to dinner last night and had the cashier give it to the next customer.
*We had the beautiful candle lighting on the 12th, and our make-up one with The Compassionate Friends in Maplewood last night.
*We made ornaments again this year, as well as a candle for the grandparents.
*We purchased another brick for the path at Faith's Lodge from Asher.
*We write letters to him to put into his stocking as well.
These are all things we do because of our love for River. I think that many people forget that, we love him just as much as if he were here physically.
I am not quite as anxious about attending family functions this year as I was last Christmas, although it will be hard to see Asher opening gifts and there won't be any for River. We did get 2 ornaments from our parents for the tree, and they are so beautiful and it was so thoughtful. I will have to share pictures of these when I get a chance. I am still nervous about family functions because I think sometimes people feel uncomfortable when we talk about River, but he is a part of our lives and we aren't going to pretend like he isn't.
I hope that all of you have a safe, peaceful holiday season, filled with hope as we remember that our children live on, always in our hearts and on our minds.

Hope

I haven't cried that hard in quite some time. I am literally feeling the pain of losing River all over again. I feel so helpless for my friend. At her son's service today, I remembered getting ready for River's like it just happened. Although it was today as people have been asking, that I realized that it's been over a year and a half. I remembered looking like I was still pregnant and wondering why I wasn't holding my baby instead of burying him? I remember thinking that nothing worse than this could happen to me, and that I wanted to be a mommy still. In my heart I was, but on the outside I didn't have any living children, so was I still a mother?

Then, I remember the day I felt a little bit of hope, like I would get through this, I had to for River. I had to keep my chin up and move forward doing good things in his memory. He wanted me to be happy, and to celebrate his life with us on earth. His spirit is with us, showing us the way. God is guiding us to help others in any way we can. If I had the means to devote all of my time coordinating with bereaved families, working on remembrance gifts and helping others I would.

I hope that what I have been doing is inspirational to others, I hope that it is helping, just a little. I know that I do not have the ability to change that I am a bereaved mother, but with that title, I can be there for others. As this week has gone on, I have thought "can I really do this? can I be the strength people need in their darkest hours?" As of right now, I believe I can. We will begin a support group, we will continue our work in River's name and we will move forward in the only way I know how, with hope and trust in my faith.

Broken Hearts

Well, this weekend turned out to be nothing like I had originally planned. It started with the massive snow storm and us cancelling all of our plans for the day... the day, that belonged to River. You see we were meeting a couple for lunch, a couple I had never met in person, only online and never would have met if it weren't for our precious babies, River and Brendan. Then we were off to meet with a good friend to work on updating our website for River's Rally and finish the day by attending The Compassionate Friends candle lighting. After the snow and wind yesterday, all of this was off the table, all of it. This made me very sad. Here is how our day turned out:

*Shortly after I woke up, I received a message with awful news. A dear dear friend delivered her son, stillborn. This same friend had endured the pain of losing the other twin earlier in pregnancy. My heart began to break, all over again.

*Turns out that we did get lunch in and it was wonderful to meet in person and share stories of our children. I am glad that we connected and that the weather cooperated!

*After lunch I had a chance to talk with my friend and I honestly didn't know what to say, yes me the one who has gone through this, didn't know what to say. I hope the words I did get out were helpful. She asked me how I got through this, and honestly I don't know. I had to, that's how. I know there were many things that helped, and many people that have been so supportive and have given me strength. As she asked me this, my mind was back to the day we lost River. Those feelings came back, so strong and I was choked up, my chest was heavy and I had to tell myself to take long, deep breaths. She asked me if there was anyone close by that experienced this that I talked to right after River died, and I had to think about it...not really. There is a family we connected with, but that didn't happen until a few months later. Who did I talk to, how did I get to where I am now? I really hope that I have given her some answers that I didn't have in those early days. In this conversation I was told about another family that we know (not really friends with, but know to an extent) lost their baby. Mother is being induced tomorrow. WHAT? This can't be happening, so many precious children, so loved and so wanted, this just isn't fair!
*Since we couldn't go to St Paul, we planned a gathering at our church. This event turned out to be wonderful, it was very small but much needed as I remembered River, and so many other angels I have met in this journey. I thought of all the parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters of these children, and all of our broken hearts. I thought of how we heal, how we begin to have hope and how we keep our children alive.

This is how I am ending my day, sharing this pain, sorrow, hope and love.
My thoughts and prayers are with all families tonight and every night, that we are able to find peace as we walk without our children on Earth.
Good night to all, remembering our children always, with love.

In Loving Memory of River Daniel

This poem was written by a very close friend and given to us, the day of River's funeral. I have it posted on my fridge with one of River's pictures and I look at it every day, many many times.

Tiny hands that held so much

Little feet you couldn't help but touch

River's journey was short, yet it forever goes on

Taken from our lives just feels so wrong

Your touch is lost

Perhaps just misplaced

The emptiness slowly takes shape

But this is all part of the cost

I can't bare the thought of distance

And my soul hates the pain

It's not shown on the outside

But this feeling still remains

To see you, not be here at all

I slowly crumble away

A simple kiss you miss

A time of joy and happiness

Life journeys your river, indestructible boat

Our thoughts and our love will forever keep you afloat.

Thank you so much, Aaron, for this poem. Absolutely beautiful words, that are so very true.

Things and People In My Life

I woke up today and something was just different. It took me a bit as I didn't have to be to work right away, but it is the 6th...

It seems this day sometimes creeps up on me. May 6th, 2009 is the last morning I kissed my precious River before he passed away. The last morning I hugged him and held him close, the last morning I got to see his eyes open, so bright and alive with wonder. It amazes me how vivid I can still recall all of those moments, and all of his beautiful features. It also amazes me that I can't imagine my life before having him in it. I am who I am today because of him and his short time on earth. I will always be his mommy, he walks with me in everything I do, every moment of every day.

I would like to share a few other things, I am paired with an amazing mother, in the Faces Of Loss, Faces Of Hope gift exchange. Her name is Melissa, and you can read her beautiful Mikayla's story here: http://amazingmikaylagrace.blogspot.com
It is a beautiful blog and I can't help but read it every day. Well, as I got the email and was reading about Mikayla, my brain was already in high gear with ideas. Then I got a subsequent email that was from Melissa. Turns out that we had met briefly when Ben and I had served dinner at Faith's Lodgein October! So, then I really got thinking and I hope that I have come up with something wonderful to send them for Mikayla this year. I have been filled with so much joy in creating this gift for her family.

Next, I entered a giveaway that Melissa was doing, and I won! I am getting a gorgeous memory box for my sweet River. I have always wanted one of these! So, to Melissa I am so grateful and I appreciate your work in memory of River.
Lastly, we are making our annual ornaments for River and we have come up with a magnificent idea. I am so anxious to get to work on them! I will share pictures once they have been given out.

To think, that all of these things and all of these people would not be in my life if it weren't for River. I love you baby boy and am so thankful that I got to carry you for 9 amazing months and to hold you for 6 of the best days of my life. I am thankful for the things and people you have brought into my life. I miss you with all of my heart.

Christmas Card

Family Wall Noir Christmas 5x7 folded card

Get custom photo Christmas cards online at Shutterfly.com.

View the entire collection of cards.

Shutterfly Blog Promotion!

Ok, so I am participating in a blog promotion, in hopes to spread the word about Shutterfly and earn some bonus Christmas stuff! :)

My favorite Shutterfly Christmas card this year is the “Pictures in Red.” This layout allows me to choose a variety of pictures. After realizing that we cannot have your “normal family photo” without River here physically, I decided that having a card with multiple photos was the way to go.

I wanted to include things that represent his time with us. Mostly being shown with his garden, which we see so many beautiful flowers blooming all summer long. Also, we have bricks for him at Faith’s Lodge and we were able to take a few pictures of Asher with them…to me this showed my sons together. The only pictures I will be able to have as them being brothers.

I love using Shutterfly, it’s so easy to use but allows you to create amazing projects and gifts! Almost every year I give at least one photo book away and have grown to love the calendars, mugs and cards! If anyone has any other favorite projects, let me know!

http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars
http://www.shutterfly.com/photo-gifts/photo-mugs
http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-photo-cards

Follow this link to check out this blog promotion!
http://bit.ly/sfly2010

Signs of River's Life

Aside from his garden, River shows us he is present in so many ways. Although there is one that has been exceptionally prevalent lately: deer. Ok, so I know that we live in the midwest and deer are not anything out of the ordinary, but almost every day that we visit the cemetery we see deer on our way there or home.

The other evening there were 2 right in the entrance, Ben shockingly yelled "wow" and it scared me as I was in the back seat with Asher. After the Children's Remembrance Service at North Valley Church on Sunday, we stopped again, on our way home. As we left, there were 2 in a field that crossed the road in front of us, only to look to the other side and see 3 more.

Seeing these deer reminded me of other times we saw deer on our way to or from the cemetery. The day we had Asher's 20 week ultrasound, there were 13 or more (we could hardly count them all) crossing the road from the cemetery to a field. We had to stop on the highway to allow them all to cross. Then I recalled shortly after River's funeral, Ben, my mom and I were on our way home from the cemetery and in a field there was a doe, and a baby...so small that we could barely see it hopping through the tall grass following its mama.

This beautiful animal has become something that reminds me of River, and a way that he shows me he is with us. Amazing how things I probably would have overlooked before have become such a big part of my life, and of River's.