Friday, February 4, 2011

Neverending Feelings

I wonder, if the feelings that come around the 30th and 6th of every month will ever go away. Sometimes they come and I don't realize why, until after the fact. Other times it's glaringly obvious why they are here: my baby isn't.

The 30th is the day River was born, the 6th is the day he passed away. I have been grumpy and frustrated all week. It doesn't matter who, why or what, I have just not been able to get it out of my mind. It just so happens that this month, my husband and I are celebrating our 30th birthdays on the 5th and 6th. How do I feel about that?

Well, I am suppose to have two baby boys, that is a thought that is hard to recover from. River should be 21 months old! Instead I remember him as a precious little baby who lived in our arms for less than a week. Asher has more teeth coming in, and has been such a sweet snuggly boy. He has been hilarious at trying to stand on his own, and walk around the room hanging on to the furniture. These things really make me miss River. Asher amazes me every day, and really takes my breath away, but every time he does something new, I wonder more and more about River. I have to stop myself often, and just remember to enjoy him.

I have been trying to keep these negative feelings under control by focusing all of my energy into River's Run and Ride Rally as well as our Compassionate Friends chapter. These are the only things I can do to keep his memory alive, and help others. Sometimes it feels overwhelming and I think that I really would just like to have him back. Then, of course, I realize that I can't.

So I keep moving, forward, I think. I am still his mother, and I still love him with all of my heart. I wish things were different, but they can't be, so I work with what I've got. That is my love for my family and River pushing me to do whatever I can.

This is most definitely not where I thought my life would be when I was 30, but it is and I am going to make the best of it! I know that River will be at our birthday party, helping us celebrate!


Jesse said...

your compassion and courage amaze me. love you!

butterflymom said...

Oh, Deanna....I'm so sorry that every step Asher makes reminds you of what River would be doing if he was here. That is so hard, hun. I do know that River will be with you at the birthday party, just like he is with you wherever you go. I know this may not help...but I hope it helps to know that he is part of many lives. River has touched so many...just by being who he is. Thank you for sharing his story. ((hugs))

Melissa said...

You are an amazing woman Deanna, and I know that River is looking down on you and seeing all the things you are doing to show your love for him even though you cannot hold him in your arms right now. A family member sent me a message about our project tonight and said, "I could literally feel in my heart the intense amount of love that you had and still have for her." She says it like she's surprised that I still carry this love for my daughter...really? Of COURSE we still love these children with all of our hearts, just as we would if they were on earth with us. why is that surprising to people is what I don't get? You are right, we will always love them with all our hearts and though we'll do what we can to keep their names spoken we will never ever stop loving them!!

ps...Happy Birthday!

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