Friday, February 4, 2011
The 30th is the day River was born, the 6th is the day he passed away. I have been grumpy and frustrated all week. It doesn't matter who, why or what, I have just not been able to get it out of my mind. It just so happens that this month, my husband and I are celebrating our 30th birthdays on the 5th and 6th. How do I feel about that?
Well, I am suppose to have two baby boys, that is a thought that is hard to recover from. River should be 21 months old! Instead I remember him as a precious little baby who lived in our arms for less than a week. Asher has more teeth coming in, and has been such a sweet snuggly boy. He has been hilarious at trying to stand on his own, and walk around the room hanging on to the furniture. These things really make me miss River. Asher amazes me every day, and really takes my breath away, but every time he does something new, I wonder more and more about River. I have to stop myself often, and just remember to enjoy him.
I have been trying to keep these negative feelings under control by focusing all of my energy into River's Run and Ride Rally as well as our Compassionate Friends chapter. These are the only things I can do to keep his memory alive, and help others. Sometimes it feels overwhelming and I think that I really would just like to have him back. Then, of course, I realize that I can't.
So I keep moving, forward, I think. I am still his mother, and I still love him with all of my heart. I wish things were different, but they can't be, so I work with what I've got. That is my love for my family and River pushing me to do whatever I can.
This is most definitely not where I thought my life would be when I was 30, but it is and I am going to make the best of it! I know that River will be at our birthday party, helping us celebrate!
Posted by Deanna at 12:54 PM