Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
This has been one of my favorite quotes, since the very beginning of this journey, when River passed away. Although I loved this, I wasn't sure I could ever have hope again. I really questioned my faith and wondered how this could have happened. It wasn't until I began to believe that if there would have been anything I could have done to save my sweet baby, God would have allowed me to, that my faith began to grow again.
Since this realization, I had hope. I have hope that I am being the best mother to River that I could ever be. I have faith that he is watching over his little brother. I know there are days that are harder and it is still dark at times, but the fact that I can move forward, carrying River in my heart is more hope that I ever could have asked for.
I am a much different person than I was 2 years ago, and this photograph is one that continues to give me hope. These flowers are from River's Garden last fall and Asher picked them as we were playing in the grass. I thought it was so sweet & I set them on top of this rock. The way the sun shines behind them is describes the immense presence River has in our lives. This is one photograph I have that represents both of my children, flowers that Asher picked in River's Garden. I have this on a necklace and most people see flowers, I see hope and love.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I was recently asked by a friend, if I could offer support to a family that I've never met, but they lost their baby girl, suddenly. This friend forwarded me the blog and I immediately went to read the story. I know many of you may have already read the story of precious Maddie, but as I was reading I remembered every minute of the morning River passed away, and all of the details at the ER came flooding back. I understand the shock and pain of everything being "just fine" one minute and your baby dying the next.
I have been following this blog since that day, and today we were asked to honor Maddie by having our daughters wear bows. Well, I have no daughters, and I honestly don't even own anything with a bow on it. I still want to honor Maddie with a bow, and this is my way of doing so. I may not be physically wearing a bow, but my blog is.
Remembering this precious little girl and praying for her family to find peace, and healing in the times to come.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
This quote is one of my all time favorites, and I submitted it to Franchesca at Small Bird Studio a few weeks ago on her Bluebird Tuesday! Thank you, for creating this beautiful image for me to share!
I have been thinking a lot lately about why this quote is so important to me and I've come up with this:
1. "What we have once enjoyed we can never lose,"
I enjoy River in my life. I once enjoyed the following things: being pregnant with him, giving birth to him, hearing him cry, nursing him, hugging him, kissing his forehead, singing him to sleep (although I am awful!), and I enjoy that fact that he is my son. Notice the past and present tenses used here. I enjoyed him and therefore can never lose him.
2. "All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."
My heart has more love now that I ever thought possible, but not just because I am a mother, because I am carrying the love of and for River with me everywhere I go. I love River deeply. He is part of me. He will always be part of me.
With this in mind, yesterday I had a new look on Valentine's Day. When I got home from work, I received a wonderful card from my husband, and some yummy dark chocolates! Thanks, honey!! There was also a vase with two beautiful white roses, and a note that said "a rose from both of your sons." Both of my sons, what a wonderful gift!
We ate dinner, and decided to head out to the cemetery. We had a balloon that said "I Love You" and we thought we'd bring out to River. As we were getting ready, Asher decided to play with it. It was so wonderful to see the excitement and pure joy on his face. We got in the car and were so ecstatic when we arrived, that we finally could drive in! The wonderful warm weather melted enough of the drifted snow and we weren't afraid we'd get stuck. We added our little red hearts to River's winter tree and we tied the balloon to his planter. Today I am wondering if it is still there or if the wind has taken it sailing to the Heavens, either of these would be alright with me.
This series of events brought me so much joy. Would I change the fact that River isn't here? You bet I would, if I could! Remembering this quote yesterday, got me through. Knowing that there is so much love in my life from my husband, family and friends, is simply because River was here physically and because he is still here in spirit is just breathtaking.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Melissa Halling, our Silpada Representative, is donating all of her profits to our cause. Visit her website to look! We get approximately 30% of the sales for this fundraiser, and everything is so beautiful. Find something nice for yourself, family member or friend and help our cause in memory of sweet River.
A big thank you to Melissa for all of her hard work on this event, and thank you to all that have placed orders already. It’s amazing how many people we can help by just one order. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!!!!!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
The 30th is the day River was born, the 6th is the day he passed away. I have been grumpy and frustrated all week. It doesn't matter who, why or what, I have just not been able to get it out of my mind. It just so happens that this month, my husband and I are celebrating our 30th birthdays on the 5th and 6th. How do I feel about that?
Well, I am suppose to have two baby boys, that is a thought that is hard to recover from. River should be 21 months old! Instead I remember him as a precious little baby who lived in our arms for less than a week. Asher has more teeth coming in, and has been such a sweet snuggly boy. He has been hilarious at trying to stand on his own, and walk around the room hanging on to the furniture. These things really make me miss River. Asher amazes me every day, and really takes my breath away, but every time he does something new, I wonder more and more about River. I have to stop myself often, and just remember to enjoy him.
I have been trying to keep these negative feelings under control by focusing all of my energy into River's Run and Ride Rally as well as our Compassionate Friends chapter. These are the only things I can do to keep his memory alive, and help others. Sometimes it feels overwhelming and I think that I really would just like to have him back. Then, of course, I realize that I can't.
So I keep moving, forward, I think. I am still his mother, and I still love him with all of my heart. I wish things were different, but they can't be, so I work with what I've got. That is my love for my family and River pushing me to do whatever I can.
This is most definitely not where I thought my life would be when I was 30, but it is and I am going to make the best of it! I know that River will be at our birthday party, helping us celebrate!