I haven't cried that hard in quite some time. I am literally feeling the pain of losing River all over again. I feel so helpless for my friend. At her son's service today, I remembered getting ready for River's like it just happened. Although it was today as people have been asking, that I realized that it's been over a year and a half. I remembered looking like I was still pregnant and wondering why I wasn't holding my baby instead of burying him? I remember thinking that nothing worse than this could happen to me, and that I wanted to be a mommy still. In my heart I was, but on the outside I didn't have any living children, so was I still a mother?
Then, I remember the day I felt a little bit of hope, like I would get through this, I had to for River. I had to keep my chin up and move forward doing good things in his memory. He wanted me to be happy, and to celebrate his life with us on earth. His spirit is with us, showing us the way. God is guiding us to help others in any way we can. If I had the means to devote all of my time coordinating with bereaved families, working on remembrance gifts and helping others I would.
I hope that what I have been doing is inspirational to others, I hope that it is helping, just a little. I know that I do not have the ability to change that I am a bereaved mother, but with that title, I can be there for others. As this week has gone on, I have thought "can I really do this? can I be the strength people need in their darkest hours?" As of right now, I believe I can. We will begin a support group, we will continue our work in River's name and we will move forward in the only way I know how, with hope and trust in my faith.