Monday, June 27, 2011


This weekend, was our town's festivities, Fishermen's Party. Overall, it was a pretty good weekend, with a book sale, cheese curds {yum!}, kids games, street dance and parade all being on the agenda.

Everything was so much fun and Babe enjoyed every minute, he was wiped out! So tired that he fell asleep during the parade. He is still too young to get candy or anything, but I thought maybe he'd have fun watching. My husband walks in the parade every year with his karate students and I chose to sit this year out as the little one was so tired. I parked his stroller in a shady area and watched...

Watched until the ambulances went by. Now, I have seen and heard many of these since River died, but sitting there alone, watching them drive by sloooowly, it hit. One of them was in front of my house, one of them rushed River to the hospital, one of them carried EMTs trying to save his life. I teared up and had to take a deep breath. I couldn't look again until I heard the band start playing {which meant the ambulances were gone}.

I was very glad I was sitting alone as I fought crying, luckily for me Babe woke up shortly after and I had to stroll around to calm him down. The karate students were finished by this time and I was able to pretend the "ambulance moment" never happened while enjoying dinner before the hubby had to go work. 

I have realized that it is possible to have very vivid memories that can be at the same time very foggy, while piecing together life after River died.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Small Miracles Blog Hop

I am joining Fran at Small Bird Studios in her lovely Small Miracles Blog Hop. This post is to celebrate hope. I just finished reading Saving Graces by Elizabeth Edwards this weekend, and there was a quote in the first chapter that stuck with me. There were a few quotes I made notes of, but this quote is very fitting for this topic.

"One thing I had learned over the years: hope is precious, and there's no reason to give it up until you absolutely have to."

In the book, this quote was used in reference to her holding out hope that the doctors would not diagnose her with breast cancer, but I feel like these words can apply to so many situations, baby loss being one of them. I always hope for the best, despite the loss of River. I carry his heart in mine, and hope that I can share it with the world. I hope that because he is not here, I can share his story and help others through a devastating time, and let them see life can continue. It may not be the same as it was before River, but I can smile again, I can honor him and give others hope for the future.

"Hope is precious."

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Happy List Saturdays

I can't believe this is only the 2nd time I have done a happy list on Saturday.
Probably because I work most Saturdays and by the time I get home, I have forgotten!

My happy list this week: 

1. My husband, has really taken care of a lot of loose ends this week, I am so grateful he is here to help me keep up. He managed to take care of most everything this week, so in my down time I was able to enjoy our family and go for walks, play in River's Garden and work on my birthstone project.

2. My sons, both of them bring me so much joy. I miss River terribly, but I'm so happy to be his mother and do things to honor his life with us. Rainbow babe undoubtedly makes me smile, ALL of the time. He is developing such a sweet personality. Let me tell you, this kid's hugs are THE best!!! I often think River is hugging us through his arms. 

3. My job - don't get me wrong, I dream of someday not having to go to work 40 hours a week, but I really do love what I do. We are in the middle of the Summer Reading Program and it is so wonderful to see so many local youth so excited to read and win prizes. We have had a great turn out for our programs, and it is really a blessing to be part of such wonderful things for our community.

4. We are going to volunteer at Faith's Lodge tonight. Any visit to this amazing place is worth mentioning.

5. Seeing as it is Father's Day weekend, I should give a mention to my parents. They really support everything I do. Sometimes they say they can't keep up with me, but they never discourage me from anything. My husband's parents are the same and we would not have gotten this far in life if it weren't for their support.

6. My bloggy friends have been amazing!!! Thank you all for reading, for listening, for supporting and just for being you. I am so sorry for the reason most of us connected, but so grateful to have every one of you and your children in my life. 

For now, this completes my happy list today. I really should do this every Saturday as it makes me stop and think about the wonderful things I have in my life. {I think this was Natasha's point in creating this blog hop!?} I'm going to have to try and make the time to get this done :)

Friday, June 17, 2011


Blogger will not let me comment today.
For those of you who know I read... I did today.

It makes me log in again, then I can see my comment and add the security code but when I post it logs me out!! Ugh!

So far I had avoided Blogger issues, until now. So I officially understand what everyone is talking about.

Hopefully it will resolve itself soon and I can go back to commenting :)

Hope that everyone is having better luck than I am.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Busy, Busy

Things are the same old thing here, busy busy.
I will be honest and say that it has been a good week though!

I am working on the River's Garden idea, it will come together someday soon I hope! I am trying to organize flower pictures, upload and edit so I can make sure all the "bits" of this project will come together for all of my BLM friends.

I have become the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope Postcard Distribution Manager, I asked Kristin about the job and after some time evaluating it, my heart led me to agree. If something pushed me to ask about it, then there is something pushing me to do it, most likely River. I am waiting for everything to arrive in the mail, so very soon I will be responsible for sending out these lovely cards and ensuring so many mothers are aware of Faces. It is an amazing thing that this team does, so I am excited to be part of it!

I have been working with a team at our hospital's OB on memory boxes. It is coming together. We have a list we are working on, the volunteer team for the hospital donated funds to get this project going. The team of ladies at the hospital has been wonderful to work with. One of them is a close friend that lost twins in 2010, so her and I are on a mission! Another team member is a nurse that was on duty the overnight shift when River was born and when I was induced with Asher. She is an amazing nurse and I am glad to have gotten to know her!

I am excited as River's Rally is donating funds and time to create some special gifts for these boxes. I have been working on a birthstone piece that is {so far} turning out lovely! If it goes as planned, this may be something else I will open up to the BLM through this blog... we shall see! We are also putting together bath salts and a candle for the family, and we are hoping to add tea and maybe seeds for gardens... it depends on how far the funds go!

We completed our shopping for Faith's Lodge. Part of the money raised for them this year went to buy supplies. We budgeted $500 to spend and we had a wonderful time shopping and stocking them up. We got everything from toilet paper to journal supplies! We are going there to make dinner this weekend, so hopefully we can unload our trunk soon! It is an honor to donate to this wonderful facility.

This week, I finally ordered books for The Compassionate Friends chapter in Milltown. We received a grant to spend {again $500} on library materials and resources to help our members and local families after the loss of a child. I am a librarian 40 hours a week, so I put alot into this and was able to purchase 34 books on varied types of loss, 1 CD and a cart to house it all! I am sooooo glad to have that off of my to-do list! Now waiting to get it delivered and organized for use!!

I think that covers most of what's been going on in my house this week. I really think I am going to try and blog more often and then {obviously} time gets away from me and it ends up being a weekly update! I hope that my "brilliant ideas" {ha ha!} work out and there will be an update on projects soon!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Right Where I Am: 2 years, 1 month & 2 days

I have decided to take part in the Right Where I Am Project. Mostly I think because I really needed to evaluate everything {and I mean everything} over the last couple of weeks.

I am 2 years, 1 month and 2 days. Where am I?
I miss my son, River, terribly. Some days it can still be unbearable and I am just angry. Other days, I feel ok. Not great, but ok. The fact that I can even say that I am ok and mean it is pretty astounding to me. I never, ever thought 2 years ago that I could feel anything but sorrow.

Despite missing him, I know that he has made me a better person. His dad and I have become such better people only because he was here for 39 weeks and 5 days in pregnancy, and 6 days in our arms. We have a sense of peace about us most times, and even though we are over our heads in projects, we throw ourselves into every minute of it. It is our life with him, and our life without him.

I never thought I would feel any kind of joy again, but I do. It is hard, not to feel guilty sometimes. How can I feel happy without him here? I am happy that I am married to his dad, one of the best people on this earth. I am happy that we have his little brother in our lives. Most of all, I am happy that I am his mother. It is only because of him, that I can get out of bed in the morning, because he helps me. He carries me, through volunteering, and the many things we do to keep his name alive.

Where am I? I guess I am in an ok place. I miss him with all of my heart, but my heart aches a little less for my sweet boy as I carry him in it and share his love with the world.


So, I still am not as good as I would like to be at sharing special moments or things that make me think of our babies, but I am trying. I have a poor little guy at home, with an ear infection that won't go away, and my husband and I are up to our ears in volunteer work! I hope to catch up soon and get to work on some other ideas I have, I can't wait to get started. In the meantime, I'd like to share a few moments from this week.

We attended the Tri-County chapter of The Compassionate Friends on Monday and they had their annual balloon release. Hubby and I started a chapter locally in January, but this chapter is where we started 2 years ago exactly. We went to their meeting in June 2009, just 4 weeks after River passed. It was so welcoming and so beautiful that we felt like it was the right place for us to be. This photograph is from yesterday's release, it was breathtaking how the sun was shining on those balloons as we watched them float up for at least 20 minutes!

It takes us about an hour to drive home and it couldn't have been a more lovely sky. As we released these balloons and watched this sun set, I thought of every child that is missed so dearly, and all of you, their parents whose hearts are aching so much.

I hope these photos can bring you a small bit of happiness knowing your children are not forgotten.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Better Day

I have a little better outlook today.
Am I still upset? Yes, but I am seeing a little hope again.

I am toying with the idea of starting a project for angel babies, involving River's Garden. It is just too beautiful to not share it with you all. So please give me your feedback.

I am thinking of creating something like this:

We have soooo many lovely flowers throughout the year that I think there would be something for everyone!
I am thinking of starting this project and using it for next year's Rally day... "River's Garden: where there is love, there is life"...something like that? The photos would be printed and displayed at the Rally (much like the stars) next year, May 5th 2012.

So, this is my proposal and it will take some fine tuning, so let me know what you think.
I would create a photo with the child's name, and post it to my blog. The family could receive a JPEG without watermark via email for a donation of $10. What I am needing to fine tune is the request, and how to choose which flowers to use, base this on color choice of parents, favorite flower, or birth flower? (I don't have all 12 flowers unfortunately)

I have been really wanting to offer something to parents, like the so many things I have gotten with River's name on them. Now, I am not a photographer, but I always enjoy the garden photos, and I'm thinking this may be my avenue to explore. Looking forward to hearing back from you, my fellow BLMs on what you all think!

Here's to having hope again!!! :)