Sunday, December 12, 2010

Broken Hearts

Well, this weekend turned out to be nothing like I had originally planned. It started with the massive snow storm and us cancelling all of our plans for the day... the day, that belonged to River. You see we were meeting a couple for lunch, a couple I had never met in person, only online and never would have met if it weren't for our precious babies, River and Brendan. Then we were off to meet with a good friend to work on updating our website for River's Rally and finish the day by attending The Compassionate Friends candle lighting. After the snow and wind yesterday, all of this was off the table, all of it. This made me very sad. Here is how our day turned out:

*Shortly after I woke up, I received a message with awful news. A dear dear friend delivered her son, stillborn. This same friend had endured the pain of losing the other twin earlier in pregnancy. My heart began to break, all over again.

*Turns out that we did get lunch in and it was wonderful to meet in person and share stories of our children. I am glad that we connected and that the weather cooperated!

*After lunch I had a chance to talk with my friend and I honestly didn't know what to say, yes me the one who has gone through this, didn't know what to say. I hope the words I did get out were helpful. She asked me how I got through this, and honestly I don't know. I had to, that's how. I know there were many things that helped, and many people that have been so supportive and have given me strength. As she asked me this, my mind was back to the day we lost River. Those feelings came back, so strong and I was choked up, my chest was heavy and I had to tell myself to take long, deep breaths. She asked me if there was anyone close by that experienced this that I talked to right after River died, and I had to think about it...not really. There is a family we connected with, but that didn't happen until a few months later. Who did I talk to, how did I get to where I am now? I really hope that I have given her some answers that I didn't have in those early days. In this conversation I was told about another family that we know (not really friends with, but know to an extent) lost their baby. Mother is being induced tomorrow. WHAT? This can't be happening, so many precious children, so loved and so wanted, this just isn't fair!
*Since we couldn't go to St Paul, we planned a gathering at our church. This event turned out to be wonderful, it was very small but much needed as I remembered River, and so many other angels I have met in this journey. I thought of all the parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters of these children, and all of our broken hearts. I thought of how we heal, how we begin to have hope and how we keep our children alive.

This is how I am ending my day, sharing this pain, sorrow, hope and love.
My thoughts and prayers are with all families tonight and every night, that we are able to find peace as we walk without our children on Earth.
Good night to all, remembering our children always, with love.


Melissa said...

What a horrible day...sorry that the snow ruined your plans and also to hear about the other families that have lost children.

I know what you mean about not knowing what to say even after going through it! I just found out today one of our coworkers (who I'm not especially close with or really work with much) lost her husband suddenly this weekend and my heart just broke for her but I really don't know what to say. I think the hard thing is that you know from going through it that there really isn't anything that can make the pain go away. Just being there for her and helping her along the way by remembering her son, which I know you'll do having lost River as well. SO many broken hearts I am finding...someday I wish this part of the world that I'm now part of never needed to exist. ((Hugs to you))

Deanna said...

Thank you Melissa, I feel a bit better after going to visit with her today. Some of the weight on my chest has lifted, but I also know that this is only the beginning of a very long road for them. I haven't gotten in touch with the other family yet, I am praying for them to find hope in the sorrow they are feeling. I am glad to have encouragement, thank you so very much!

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