Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Right Where I Am: 2 years, 1 month & 2 days

I have decided to take part in the Right Where I Am Project. Mostly I think because I really needed to evaluate everything {and I mean everything} over the last couple of weeks.

I am 2 years, 1 month and 2 days. Where am I?
I miss my son, River, terribly. Some days it can still be unbearable and I am just angry. Other days, I feel ok. Not great, but ok. The fact that I can even say that I am ok and mean it is pretty astounding to me. I never, ever thought 2 years ago that I could feel anything but sorrow.

Despite missing him, I know that he has made me a better person. His dad and I have become such better people only because he was here for 39 weeks and 5 days in pregnancy, and 6 days in our arms. We have a sense of peace about us most times, and even though we are over our heads in projects, we throw ourselves into every minute of it. It is our life with him, and our life without him.

I never thought I would feel any kind of joy again, but I do. It is hard, not to feel guilty sometimes. How can I feel happy without him here? I am happy that I am married to his dad, one of the best people on this earth. I am happy that we have his little brother in our lives. Most of all, I am happy that I am his mother. It is only because of him, that I can get out of bed in the morning, because he helps me. He carries me, through volunteering, and the many things we do to keep his name alive.

Where am I? I guess I am in an ok place. I miss him with all of my heart, but my heart aches a little less for my sweet boy as I carry him in it and share his love with the world.


Becky said...

I think all of these projects are just wonderful. I bet River is in heaven telling everyone that "yup, that's my mom, isn't she amazing!"

Tiffany said...

"It is our life with him, and our life without him."

powerful words. i got chills when i read that. it's so true though. i most of the time just focus on his absence, well because he is physically absent. but he is still here with us. he is love. and as long as we are alive his memory will be too. it's just hard to "accept" that since i miss his physcial presence so much. thx for sharing where you are.

still life angie said...

Yes, powerful post filled with love. Thank you for sharing right where you are. Beautiful. xo

Hope's Mama said...

Here via Angie's project. Missing your little River with you. I'm so sorry he's not in your arms.

Tiffany said...

This is a beautiful post Deanna. I completely relate to the part about feeling guilty about being happy. I feel that a lot lately. Thinking of you!

Natasha said...

I love this definitely give me hope for the future lady :)

I too feel guilty in my moments of happiness- not sure if that will ever go away.

Thank you for sharing- just a beautiful post!

Thinking of you and little River always!


Holly said...

I think being 'ok' is pretty good considering the horrible event of losing a child. I am amazed that so many moms can find happiness and joy again. I think it is because of our babies we can find that joy.

Fireflyforever said...

Visiting (belatedly) from Angie's blog hop. I'm sorry River died (what a gorgeous name).

"It is our life with him, and our life without him."
So powerful and so true.

erica said...

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to comment on this post, but I'm so grateful to you for writing it. I'm so sorry that you are missing your River - he was such a beautiful little guy. The sense of love that comes across in your words is powerful and palpable.

Post a Comment