Wednesday, March 30, 2011

River is Almost Two!!

I realized that today is yet again...the 30th! He is one month shy of 2 years old! Part of me can't believe it's been that long because it feels like just yesterday that I held him in my arms. Part of me wonders how I am going to cope as his birthday gets closer. I facilitate a support group, and I tell parents all of the time that the anticipation of the day is often worse than the day itself. I know this, yet I can't make the anticipation any less. Why is it that I can't control that part of my feelings?

I get up every day & I go through the motions. After work, I email and blog with many BLMs, I work on River's Rally, I have many projects going for children who are no longer here, including the Sweet Shining Stars. All of this because River was here, and now he isn't. He may not be here physically but he is in my heart each and every moment. This is my life. Most days I have accepted this, some days I can't believe that it is me going through this. This is me grieving, that's what all of this is, on a path trying to find healing

I have been struggling lately that I am not spending every minute I can with my living child, and I have invested too much of myself into the projects that relate to River. I'm sure most of my BLM friends will agree that parenting a child that is no longer here is very exhausting mentally and physically!! I came to this conclusion yesterday: this is what it must feel like to have all of your children alive! Most parents must feel like they are being pulled in different directions, trying to give attention to all of their children, right? This made me feel better, and less guilty. It is ok when I take time away from 'River Projects' to spend with precious Asher and vice verse. This is a normal feeling, and it means I am doing all I can to be the best mommy my sons could ask for.

I am beginning to figure this out, this "new life" I have -- with both of my children.

This photo is my sweet River the day after he was born.


Tiffany said...

I definitely know what you mean about "caring" for a child who is no longer here. I often feel that way about Ellie's Light things. It takes up so much time and energy but if Ellie was here, it would be going to her. She isn't here so this is my way of still giving her love.
Thinking of you as River's second birthday approaches. I agree, anticipation is so much worse. Sending you lots of hugs!!!

New Year Mum said...

You're so right.... it really does feel like I would imagine having 2 living children to feel like, but with the added burden of an empty space where their laughter and cuddles should be. Thank you for sharing and thinking of you as River's 2nd birthday approaches xoxo

Tiffany said...

you are an amazing momma. but i can imagine that it must be so emotionally draining making sure that you keep that perfect balance for both of your boys. i struggle to a lesser degree making sure that i don't forget about D now that i'm throwing all of my time and energy into keeping Juju's memory alive. i know sometimes D feels as though i have cast him aside, and i really don't mean to make him feel that way. and i guess that is part of me taking for granted the fact that he is still here on this side with me. it's just so hard to live after you've lost. :'(

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