Spread the Word, Please

My mom is hosting an Uppercase Living Fundraiser, to help River's Run and Ride Rally! We got a few things from my mom for Asher's room, and I'll admit I thought it was pretty cool. Well, I went to the website today after getting the link, and OMGoodness!!! You can customize, preview with the colors you have in your home and what color to order the product in, anything is possible!

This quote is one I had read somewhere a while back, and while searching today I came across it again. This is on my wish list, along with others! The details to this fundraiser are below and as we are drawing nearer to our main event, any help is greatly appreciated! In 2010 we made almost $10,000 to help so many people and we'd love to exceed that this year! This is where you come in, my world of people that truly understand, please share this with anyone you feel may be interested. The details to what our organization does are on our website: www.riversrally.org

Thank you all in advance for your help! Big "Thank You" to River's Grandma for hosting this fundraiser in his name.

Fundraiser Details:

Personalize your home without leaving it!
You’re invited to take part in our Uppercase Living® catalog party to benefit River's Run and Ride Rally!

Looking to do something dramatic yet simple with those blank walls or mundane spaces in your home? The latest home decorating trend is “words on a wall.” With Uppercase Living® decorative expressions and designs, you can make your home yours. Bring the incredible expressiveness of words into your home with witty phrases, spiritual quotes and meaningful sayings. Uppercase Living has designs for every room in your home — kitchens, living rooms, foyers, bedrooms, laundry rooms. Choose from hundreds of professionally designed expressions or create your own custom expression.

Step 1: Browse the catalog on my demonstrator’s website at www.WordsOnAWall.com. Click on Products to view the online catalog. Create a custom expression or create a larger-than-life vinyl photo on the MyDesign Suite.

Step 2: When ordering online, click on Rivers Rally Fundraiser in the menu: ‘Associate this order with an open house’ by March 14.

Half of all commissions will go toward our cause!

For questions: Contact Paula or Julee with any questions and your order by March 14.

My demonstrator: Julee Sylvester, 763.767.1149 or wordsonawall@gmail.com

Faith

This has been one of my favorite quotes, since the very beginning of this journey, when River passed away. Although I loved this, I wasn't sure I could ever have hope again. I really questioned my faith and wondered how this could have happened. It wasn't until I began to believe that if there would have been anything I could have done to save my sweet baby, God would have allowed me to, that my faith began to grow again.

Since this realization, I had hope. I have hope that I am being the best mother to River that I could ever be. I have faith that he is watching over his little brother. I know there are days that are harder and it is still dark at times, but the fact that I can move forward, carrying River in my heart is more hope that I ever could have asked for.

I am a much different person than I was 2 years ago, and this photograph is one that continues to give me hope. These flowers are from River's Garden last fall and Asher picked them as we were playing in the grass. I thought it was so sweet & I set them on top of this rock. The way the sun shines behind them is describes the immense presence River has in our lives. This is one photograph I have that represents both of my children, flowers that Asher picked in River's Garden. I have this on a necklace and most people see flowers, I see hope and love.

Here is My Bow

I was recently asked by a friend, if I could offer support to a family that I've never met, but they lost their baby girl, suddenly. This friend forwarded me the blog and I immediately went to read the story. I know many of you may have already read the story of precious Maddie, but as I was reading I remembered every minute of the morning River passed away, and all of the details at the ER came flooding back. I understand the shock and pain of everything being "just fine" one minute and your baby dying the next.

I have been following this blog since that day, and today we were asked to honor Maddie by having our daughters wear bows. Well, I have no daughters, and I honestly don't even own anything with a bow on it. I still want to honor Maddie with a bow, and this is my way of doing so. I may not be physically wearing a bow, but my blog is.

Remembering this precious little girl and praying for her family to find peace, and healing in the times to come.

Hope

What gives me hope? Well, there are a few things, the first being my husband, my family and the friends that have helped me encounter the hardest thing I have ever had to do. They are all the reason I have gotten to where I am today, with my chin up. That doesn't happen every day, but it does most days.

Second, I have hope because of these two sweet little boys, my sons. One I get to hold in my arms, the other I can only hold in my heart.

River

Asher

The other thing that gives me hope is this amazing community of parents, all doing the same thing sharing their children, their feelings, their fears and just this: their hopes. I read posts and on bad days wish that I could take away the author's pain, and share the tears. On good days, I wish I was closer so I could give them a hug, or they could see my smile when reading their posts! I am grateful to have connected with so many people that think the same things when they read my posts.

Participating in this Blog Hop from Franchesca was fitting as I reflected yesterday on all of the parents and all of the babies I have learned so much about in the process of grieving my precious River. I want to share this with all of you, and I think it is perfect timing!

These are flowers I received for my 30th birthday. They are so beautiful, and I thought that I would share them with River. I wrote names of the babies I believe have become his friends in Heaven on the petals.

I hope that this gives others hope, knowing that I (and many others) are thinking of you and your children, on a daily basis. I am not a daily blogger, but I check often for updates and read what others have posted. I appreciate being able to connect with you, and to know that I am not alone. I hope that you don't feel alone either. This is my hope for all of us in handling the grief we carry with us every day. On that note, I would like to share one last photo of "The Bluebird of Happiness" that I received as part of this beautiful flower arrangement.Wishing you happiness & hope in knowing our children will not be forgotten.

Love

So the biggest "love" day of the year has passed, and as I played with my sweet baby and husband last night, and laughed, I thought about all of the love I have in my life.

This quote is one of my all time favorites, and I submitted it to Franchesca at Small Bird Studio a few weeks ago on her Bluebird Tuesday! Thank you, for creating this beautiful image for me to share!

I have been thinking a lot lately about why this quote is so important to me and I've come up with this:
1. "What we have once enjoyed we can never lose,"
I enjoy River in my life. I once enjoyed the following things: being pregnant with him, giving birth to him, hearing him cry, nursing him, hugging him, kissing his forehead, singing him to sleep (although I am awful!), and I enjoy that fact that he is my son. Notice the past and present tenses used here. I enjoyed him and therefore can never lose him.
2. "All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."
My heart has more love now that I ever thought possible, but not just because I am a mother, because I am carrying the love of and for River with me everywhere I go. I love River deeply. He is part of me. He will always be part of me.

With this in mind, yesterday I had a new look on Valentine's Day. When I got home from work, I received a wonderful card from my husband, and some yummy dark chocolates! Thanks, honey!! There was also a vase with two beautiful white roses, and a note that said "a rose from both of your sons." Both of my sons, what a wonderful gift!

We ate dinner, and decided to head out to the cemetery. We had a balloon that said "I Love You" and we thought we'd bring out to River. As we were getting ready, Asher decided to play with it. It was so wonderful to see the excitement and pure joy on his face. We got in the car and were so ecstatic when we arrived, that we finally could drive in! The wonderful warm weather melted enough of the drifted snow and we weren't afraid we'd get stuck. We added our little red hearts to River's winter tree and we tied the balloon to his planter. Today I am wondering if it is still there or if the wind has taken it sailing to the Heavens, either of these would be alright with me.

This series of events brought me so much joy. Would I change the fact that River isn't here? You bet I would, if I could! Remembering this quote yesterday, got me through. Knowing that there is so much love in my life from my husband, family and friends, is simply because River was here physically and because he is still here in spirit is just breathtaking.

Silpada Jewelry Fundraiser

Last night, a Silpada Jewelry Fundraiser was held for River's Run and Ride Rally. We almost made it to our goal, with a few more orders we can do it! If you or someone you know wants to order, please contact Melissa (melissahall@chibardun.net) or myself (deanna@riversrally.org) before Tuesday, February 15th.

Melissa Halling, our Silpada Representative, is donating all of her profits to our cause. Visit her website to look! We get approximately 30% of the sales for this fundraiser, and everything is so beautiful. Find something nice for yourself, family member or friend and help our cause in memory of sweet River.

A big thank you to Melissa for all of her hard work on this event, and thank you to all that have placed orders already. It’s amazing how many people we can help by just one order. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!!!!!

Precious Boy

On Friday, Ben and I decided to go out to dinner just the two of us, I am pretty sure this is the first time that happened in a very long time, likely sometime when I was pregnant with River, 2 years ago! As we were dropping Asher off at Grandpa and Grandma Foerst's for a couple of hours, we saw 6, yes SIX, deer along the driveway. They just stood there and watched us drive by. They were fairly close to the road and I pondered if I could get the camera out fast enough, but didn't make it in time.

This was a very special moment in celebrating our birthdays, I know without a doubt that happening was because of my precious boy. River seems to have put deer in my path many times over the last year and a half. The photo above was a gift I received over Christmas, and it has a beautiful etching of a deer on it.

Thank you River, for wishing your daddy and I a happy birthday. It was wonderful to feel your presence more than just in spirit. We love you and are so grateful you celebrated our birthdays with us. You helped make this birthday weekend one of the most special birthdays we have ever had!

Neverending Feelings

I wonder, if the feelings that come around the 30th and 6th of every month will ever go away. Sometimes they come and I don't realize why, until after the fact. Other times it's glaringly obvious why they are here: my baby isn't.

The 30th is the day River was born, the 6th is the day he passed away. I have been grumpy and frustrated all week. It doesn't matter who, why or what, I have just not been able to get it out of my mind. It just so happens that this month, my husband and I are celebrating our 30th birthdays on the 5th and 6th. How do I feel about that?

Well, I am suppose to have two baby boys, that is a thought that is hard to recover from. River should be 21 months old! Instead I remember him as a precious little baby who lived in our arms for less than a week. Asher has more teeth coming in, and has been such a sweet snuggly boy. He has been hilarious at trying to stand on his own, and walk around the room hanging on to the furniture. These things really make me miss River. Asher amazes me every day, and really takes my breath away, but every time he does something new, I wonder more and more about River. I have to stop myself often, and just remember to enjoy him.

I have been trying to keep these negative feelings under control by focusing all of my energy into River's Run and Ride Rally as well as our Compassionate Friends chapter. These are the only things I can do to keep his memory alive, and help others. Sometimes it feels overwhelming and I think that I really would just like to have him back. Then, of course, I realize that I can't.

So I keep moving, forward, I think. I am still his mother, and I still love him with all of my heart. I wish things were different, but they can't be, so I work with what I've got. That is my love for my family and River pushing me to do whatever I can.

This is most definitely not where I thought my life would be when I was 30, but it is and I am going to make the best of it! I know that River will be at our birthday party, helping us celebrate!