Sunday, August 28, 2011


So I said that I would post something with some content and I was hoping for something more positive, but you will have to bear with me, that this post is not exactly along those lines.

I am frustrated. I am trying to make big decisions, and I don't even have the power to do that anymore. I need someone to tell me to do things. I think it is just hesitancy that has manifested itself since River's death, I don't feel confident in anything anymore. Maybe it is because of the all-known "mother's failure" we all feel after our children die? Maybe because I doubt that I made the right choices while he was here, that any choice I make now, seems wrong?

I may have mentioned this before, but I read a friend's post a while back about who she was before losing her daughter...this has stuck with me, and I think it was really already there. My life is defined by "Before River" and "After River." I just wonder if I would even recognize the old me walking down the street? I don't think so. I had many friends, close by... now whether it's a change in lifestyle, or being the downer because River died that a fair number of my current friends are hours away. Oh, how I wish I lived closer to some of you!

The husband has been working more, which leaves me some time to spend with Babe and catch up on other things, but it also leaves time for my mind to wander. To think, about what used to be and what my life has become. Don't get me wrong, most things in life I wouldn't change...I wouldn't trade having River in my life, or the things I have learned because of him, but feeling so alone sometimes, I'd trade in a heartbeat.

I feel so alone and don't have anywhere to go, but here, so thank you to anyone reading, I hate that we feel like this, I hate that so many things have changed, but I love our community, where we really understand each other. Thinking of all of you, sending you lots of love and hope that this loneliness doesn't haunt you like it does me.

I will leave you with, finally a picture from the last few weeks, this was from our chapter of The Compassionate Friends, balloon release. It was storming and raining, but ended up being a beautiful night and after we began cleaning up, there was the tiniest bit of a rainbow. Although I missed getting it on camera, I will never forget how lovely it was!


Caroline said...

Praying for you my friend & keeping you close to my heart. I wish I lived close to you. I would come see you and hang out. I don't have many friends here either just my online friends. My family is all in Ohio. Sometimes I wish I could jump right through my computer.
Love you xxoo

Natasha said...

I feel like I have changed so much since losing Aiden. And it's really hard for me to make decisions too. Sometimes it feels like- "what's the point- I don't have any control anyway"

IRL "friends" have slowly (or quickly) disappeared- I think I have about 3 real ones left and only one lives close to me. Without you guys I'm not sure what I would do.

Wish I could give you a hug my friend......sending lots of love xoxo

Becky said...

There are definitely 2 sides to me also- the before and after Liam. I love having this online community to connect. It at least helps in letting us know we aren't alone, in the babyloss world that is.
Thinking of you..

Crystal Theresa said...

i think we all have that divide--the before and the after, and it's really hard to contend with some times. i hope the frustration eases up soon, and that coming into this space takes the edge off of the loneliness. ((hugs))

Elise Will said...

As I read this Deanna, I cried. Not uncommon theses days, but I can SO relate. I can relate to the loneliness, the before and after, the not being able to be sure in your decisions...all of it. I just want to tell you that I honestly hate that I am part of this babyloss world...I HATE IT!!! But at the same time I am so happy to have this world, because I really don't know what I would do with out you all. Sending lots of prayers your way and a big HUG!!!

Melissa said...

I'm a few weeks late on this =) but I was just thinking of you tonight and thinking I hadn't ready your blog in awhile. I've been a little absent from blog land, but you are never far from my thoughts. Hugs!

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