Frustrated

So I said that I would post something with some content and I was hoping for something more positive, but you will have to bear with me, that this post is not exactly along those lines.

I am frustrated. I am trying to make big decisions, and I don't even have the power to do that anymore. I need someone to tell me to do things. I think it is just hesitancy that has manifested itself since River's death, I don't feel confident in anything anymore. Maybe it is because of the all-known "mother's failure" we all feel after our children die? Maybe because I doubt that I made the right choices while he was here, that any choice I make now, seems wrong?

I may have mentioned this before, but I read a friend's post a while back about who she was before losing her daughter...this has stuck with me, and I think it was really already there. My life is defined by "Before River" and "After River." I just wonder if I would even recognize the old me walking down the street? I don't think so. I had many friends, close by... now whether it's a change in lifestyle, or being the downer because River died that a fair number of my current friends are hours away. Oh, how I wish I lived closer to some of you!

The husband has been working more, which leaves me some time to spend with Babe and catch up on other things, but it also leaves time for my mind to wander. To think, about what used to be and what my life has become. Don't get me wrong, most things in life I wouldn't change...I wouldn't trade having River in my life, or the things I have learned because of him, but feeling so alone sometimes, I'd trade in a heartbeat.

I feel so alone and don't have anywhere to go, but here, so thank you to anyone reading, I hate that we feel like this, I hate that so many things have changed, but I love our community, where we really understand each other. Thinking of all of you, sending you lots of love and hope that this loneliness doesn't haunt you like it does me.

I will leave you with, finally a picture from the last few weeks, this was from our chapter of The Compassionate Friends, balloon release. It was storming and raining, but ended up being a beautiful night and after we began cleaning up, there was the tiniest bit of a rainbow. Although I missed getting it on camera, I will never forget how lovely it was!

Changes

I have been really awful at posting anything with substance lately. I will try to do something soon, and share some photographs of our time at Faith's Lodge last week. I am just dealing with a few changes that are actually kind of big, and I have also been working on a few things for our busy September schedule.

My father-in-law is retiring, actually Sunday is his last day as our pastor. That will be a huge difference, as this also means they are moving to their cabin...so instead of being 4 blocks away, they will be 40 minutes away. They have been wonderful, and I appreciate their help and will miss their constant company.

I went back to school, online. So after 8 years, and never taking an online course, I am a full-time student. I completed the first week, and seemed to get the hang of it, but this is only the first course...Good things will come of this, but it's tricky to be a 30 year old student!

My boss announced that she is leaving and for a small public library with 2 full-time and 2 part-time staff, this is a big deal. I have been there 2 years, and now need to address if I am qualified enough to take her position, and if so, do I apply? A director at the above mentioned library wears many hats and has responsibility of the entire operation, so if I could try for the job, should I?

Lastly, our schedule for September:
5th - retirement party next weekend
10th - Duluth day with great friends (we attended college there together)
17th - Faith's Lodge Open house
24th - Hope Rocks (speaking of which, add making stars to the agenda, order yours soon!)
25th - Tee Up Fore Tots Memorial Classic (mostly being planned by my dear friend, Laura in memory of her babies: Braylyn, Evylyn & Mason)
Busy month with busy weekends!

I am trying to think positive, that is the trick, right? All things happen for a reason? My philosphy is that even if things don't work out, I have survived worse! Well, I think I need to get some sleep, my brain has been analyzing these changes all day. I look forward to sharing some of our trip with you, soon!

Giveaway Winner!

I used random.org to generate the winner!

Since I am not at all tech savvy, or simply because I didn't figure out how, I can't show the screenshot...

But, the winner is Crystal Theresa, congratulations!!

Contact me at deanna{at}riversrally{dot}org to arrange your gift!

Thank you again, to all of you wonderful mommies that read my posts, help me on bad days and encourage me on good days. Many hugs to each one of you!

Giveaway Time!

I finally completed the giveaway gift! I made these for the memory boxes for our hospital and they turned out so lovely, I want one of my beautiful readers to have one too!
Here it is:

The winner will be able to choose from Baby Boy or Baby Girl frame, and the poem inside is the "Little Snowdrop" poem. You can remove the poem and insert a 4x6 photograph, if you wish.

All you have to do is leave a comment and I will randomly choose a winner next Friday, August 19th at 12:00pm CST. We will be at Faith's Lodge next week, so it will be a wonderful time to choose a winner from the amazing people that have picked me up when I'm down, and kept me smiling when I am happy.

Good luck, and thank you all for being here, reading and commenting. I never thought that I would have 50 people that want to hear what I have to say. THANK YOU!!!

Another Day

I have a couple of exciting things happening this week, the giveaway finally being one of them. I hope to have this arranged soon, yay!

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that gave me a little nudge over the last two days regarding my previous post. I appreciate the support I have gotten from everyone so much. Words cannot describe how you helped get me up out of the "bummer" mode. You are all amazing!

Good things to come by week's end. Stay tuned :)

Bummer

This is a non-River related post, for the most part. I am really only putting it here because I feel super bummed. I was told today that I yelled at someone...which I don't recall doing. For privacy reasons I won't say where this happened, but it's the first complaint in 2 years. Well, that should make me feel good, right?

Why is it that I feel the opposite, I feel crappy? I have tried very hard to be positive, have a smile on my face and make everyone feel welcome and comfortable, so I guess that's why this complaint almost made me cry. Ok, it did make me cry. If you've read my story, you know that River has been gone just over 2 years.

I know I should brush this off and that I am doing the best that I can, but it hurts me to know that I made someone feel uncomfortable enough to say something about it. I guess I'd better work harder at keeping this chin of mine up.

Bummer.