Christmas

Can't believe it's time to work on Christmas cards already, where does the time go?

Stationery card

View the entire collection of cards.

Capture Your Grief Part II

I find this much more comforting than "God only gives you what you can handle." Photo by Kelly Bakke/Kix Photography.

Beautiful ring that I won from Nelle & Lizzy! Thank you to everyone that helped me win it. It is one of few pieces of jewelry that has both of my boys.

The skate park in Milltown that was dedicated the day after his 1st birthday. It's hard to believe that he would be almost 4 years old and wanting to play on this park by now.

Water, but especially rivers and waterfalls.
This was taken in September 2012 from my phone on my camera while looking through binoculars!

These are the people in-real-life that have been so supportive. This is our group at the Rocket Club event that we had in April 2012. My parents, siblings, in-laws and husband have pulled me through. There are a few friends that have been there since before River died but not too many. Photo by Kix Photography.

Anything from River's garden. There are not many scents from when he was alive that stick with me but the flowers in his garden provide such comfort.

Deer. Strange but everything we do that has any sort of significance deer show up. This picture was taken in Superior, WI in September two deer swam across the bay of Lake Superior. Honest to goodness I did not know that deer swam!

These are just a few of the BLM's that I have had a chance to meet. Tiffany, Jenna and Natasha. Our photographer was Kristin. I could not get up every day if it weren't for ladies like these. There are so many more that I hope to meet someday!

Our beautiful River candle. We have so many that were given to us as gifts but this is the only one that I made. It's going on 3 years strong.

This was River's 3rd Birthday. We always get cake. We always release balloons. This year, Asher said, "Happy birthday River" when we left. Broke my heart that he will never really know his big brother.

This is the latest family photo with our River Bear. This was done in April, between rainbow babe's 2nd and River's 3rd birthdays...wishing they were both here to be in a family picture. Photo by Kix Photography.

Our project is River's Rally (www.riversrally.org). This picture was taken at the second annual event. We do a few different fundraisers throughout the year but this is the biggest one. It is always the 1st Saturday in May - falling between his birthday and remembrance day. Photo by Kix Photography.

Our project is River's Rally (www.riversrally.org). Charity - There are so many! Probably two that I spend most of my time working on or with (aside from River's Rally) are Faith's Lodge and The Compassionate Friends. This is a wall stone that will be placed inside the entryway at Faith's Lodge. I volunteer with Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope/Grieve Out Loud. I would love to work for/with ALL of them...if I could! 

Capture Your Grief

I am taking part of the fantastic Carly's project: Capture Your Grief. It is a good reason for me to do some writing here this month. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and always brings so many emotions as I remember River and all of the other children gone too soon. It also would be the month that River turned 3 and a half years old...nearing 4! I would preparing a child for preschool and that is terribly hard for me to imagine. It seems impossible that it's been almost 4 years.

I will be sharing pictures here periodically throughout the month here are a few for this week:

October 3, 2012

This picture was taken the day after River was born, just 4 days before he died.

This family picture was taken in fall of 2011, River would have been nearing 2.5 years old. We hadn't planned to take a famliy photo but our photographer insisted. River managed to be part of it anyway! My husband is wearing a River's Run and Ride Rally shirt and a Hope Rocks hat ♥ Photo taken by Kix Photography.

Some of you may know the Rocket Club song, One More Day. River's picture is in their video and this is a special item signed by the band (except the drummer). They performed for our organization in April of 2012 (near River's 3rd birthday). It was such a special event for us! PS it was really hard to choose one treasured item.

Memorial garden. It is our way of taking care of something living on this earth in his memory. Some days I think it is out of control craziness but then I remember that he would be a little boy nearing 4 years old...

Self-explanatory

Summer

Seriously, it has been over a month since my last post? Jeepers. It's not for lack of things to say. We have been very busy with work, school and the normal day-to-day stuff. The library has kept me very busy with summer reading program events. School is going well although I am not at all happy with the professor I have in my philosophy class right now. Our car broke down and left us spending tons on it and with only a truck that had no air conditioning over the hottest week of the summer. The husband has been working a lot since we had to cover paying for the car repairs. We missed our vacation with his family because the car was in the shop for a week...frustrating but we managed to survive it.

It seems so strange to have been so upset over it although we got the crummy news on July 6th. The 3 year and 2 month anniversary of River's death. Really? The car breaking down upset me? Probably not. The fact that I always remember the 6th...guess what tomorrow is? The 3 year and 3 month anniversary. Ugh! I think as we creep closer and closer to River's 4th birthday, I am in denial again. It really cannot be that long, can it? I haven't really been that sad lately, just shaking my head that I should have a little boy nearing preschool. Asher should have a big brother to help him ride his trike, play on his swing and teach him his letters. I wonder if River would be tall and skinny like Asher. Would his personality be as goofy or would he be more mellow? The more Asher becomes his own person, the more I wonder who River would be.

I am grateful for all of the people in my life that remember our little boy. I am blessed to be his mother. I miss him terribly and long to know who he'd be today.

Time

Where does it go? It has been a month and a half since I last posted...and well, things are still crazy! I am looking forward to finally spending a day with my husband and son on Sunday. Just us, the whole day (and lunch with some friends) but not one single thing that we have to do, finally!

My heart hurts right now for a few friends that have experienced another heartbreaking loss. My heart is happy right now for the little blessings brought to other friends recently. How is it possible to be so happy and so sad at the same time?

 I would appreciate anyone that can donating to the fundraiser in the sidebar. Becky and her family have been through so much. She has two sweet babies waiting for her and you can read more here. I would not know Becky or her sweet Liam and Evelynn if it weren't for River.

There are people in my life that I have not been able to meet in person but have come to call very close friends. They support everything I do and that is very much appreciated. They understand the frustration, anger, heartache, smiles, joy and love involved with grief. I am blessed that River brought them into my life.

There is so much more that I just cannot get into words today. Thinking of you all and wishing you hope, peace and happiness. 

Whirlwind

Things have been all over the place here. I have not had any time to catch up since River's Rally. I will be sending out River's Garden photos this week. My apologies to everyone for not having them out sooner.

River's birthday, his 3rd birthday was the 30th and it took everything I had to get through that day. The week following (leading up to our fundraiser) was long, hectic and emotional. I am really not sure why but this year seemed almost harder than last.

We took a trip to Duluth after the fundraiser and while it was nice to get away, it left little time for accomplishing anything. It was fun and a much needed break with the hubby and munchkin. We are managing at Faith's Lodge this weekend, so that is where I am now. The second time in two years I have been away from our living son, both times it was because I was here. Daddy is with him and I am doing this for River, so I guess that makes it alright in my heart.

I just wanted to say that I have been thinking of so many friends lately. Some are encountering new losses, some are remembering their child's birthday or anniversary. All are waking up tomorrow knowing it is Mother's Day and there is someone missing. Wishing everyone a gentle day whether your babies are here in your arms or carried in your heart.

3 years ago

Sweet River, 
Three years ago, I was awaiting your arrival and dreaming about our future as a family. Tomorrow you would be three years old. I cannot believe how the time flies! I often try to imagine you as a three year old boy. What would you be doing? What would your favorite foods be? What mischief would you be causing? You are so incredibly loved and missed. You changed my life and I am so grateful for the beauty and love you showed me in such a short time. I am blessed to have you as my son. Thank you so much, little man.
Love,
Mommy

One of your trees at Faith's Lodge. 

River's Garden: Where there is love, there is life.

05/01/2012: ORDERS ARE NOW CLOSED. I will be completing frames for display this weekend and they will ship out the next week to you. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!


04/19/2012: UPDATE: This will be open for orders until April 30, River's 3rd birthday. I want to make sure that we have enough time to print pictures and create the frames.


The remembrance wall for River's Rally 2012 is underway. You will be able to choose an image from River's Garden and have your loved ones name added to it.

The images can be viewed at River's Run and Ride Rally Facebook Page. I am very excited about this year's idea. I am honored to share a little of River's Garden with everyone! Simply choose your image and then come back here to fill out this form.

It's April

It's April again! It seems that every year, as this month begins there is just a different feeling.

A heavier weight on my chest.
It's a little harder to breathe.
I constantly fight back tears.
Heartache and hesitation.
Nothing seems quite right.

Well, it isn't. This month, River would be three. Can you even believe that, three? How could it have been that long since we held him? How could it have been that long since we kissed his sweet face?

Today brought another Easter without him to find eggs and fill up on goodies. It is so hard to imagine my family with two little boys here on earth. It is so hard to imagine what he would be like. I see his cousins that are so close in age to him and just wonder.

I see his little brother and wonder if they would look alike. How much would they fight like brothers do? Would he still have red hair? I am completely amazed every single day by this little boy I get to hold in my arms every night. He just takes my breath away and I know that his big brother is taking good care of him.

We are busy planning a few events in River's memory and this keeps my mind occupied most of the time. But when there is down time, I just can't help but wonder what he'd be like.

Sweet River,
There isn't a single second that you are not on my mind and in my heart.
Your daddy, brother and I want you to know how much we love you.
We wish we could see your sweet face again and your big beautiful eyes.
We are so proud  to be your parents. Your short life had such an impact on the world. We will carry you with us as long as we live. We miss you tons. 

River Bear, you arrived on a very special day. You were able to come with  us to Faith's Lodge to celebrate your little brother's second birthday. I couldn't believe that was how big you were, the more I held you in my arms, the more it felt like you. Thank you, Molly Bears, for this beautiful keepsake in memory of our little boy. 

Consider making a donation or find out how to sign up for one at Molly Bears!

River's Garden

I wanted to share a few pictures of River's Garden with everyone. We turned the water on in the garden on his little brother's second birthday, March 23, 2012...which is odd in northern Wisconsin! It has been gorgeous weather here and the garden will be awake before we know it. Last year at this time it was still buried in the snow.

It's strange to me to measure the last three years by this beautiful garden. The year River was born, there was NO garden, in 2010 (his brother's birthday) there were daffodils in full bloom, in 2011 there was still a ton of snow, this year the lilacs are growing like crazy (which also means the weeds are too).

Here are a few photos of the garden:

From the top of the garden, or street view if you are walking by our house.

 I love the river and pond in this angle.
Eventually we won't be able to see the neighbors house across the street.

Don't forget you can order your River's Garden memorial keepsake here:
http://riverdaniel-foreverourangel.blogspot.com/2012/02/rivers-garden-where-there-is-love-there.html

Can't Keep Up

I may be in a little over my head at the moment...but it is exciting nonetheless!

We have a Silpada jewelry fundraiser coming up on February 10th for River's Rally. If you have any interest in ordering visit our generous representative, Melissa.

I have been busy planning Asher's 2nd birthday party in March, turns out our family will be staying at Faith's Lodge again, such a wonderful place to spend it!

We pinned down all of the details for our Rocket Club event for April. We are SO excited! It hasn't really sunk in yet, but it is going to be a wonderful night! You can find more information on our story with Rocket Club and get tickets on River's Rally website.

Then our 3rd Annual event is on May 5th. Seems like a TON happening! Asher has been in swimming lessons which he loves. He is going to start going to playgroup again next week, I am excited for him. I have been working 40+ hours and starting another class on Monday. I have been attempting to get back into shape, which is frustrating at times...but I am trying!

Things are going very well, I have been blog reading, just have not had time to comment and post here. I will be posting soon with our memory wall idea for this year's annual event. I think you are all going to love it! I am head over heels for this project!

Oh and I somehow missed that this is my 105th post, hard to believe!!