Thursday, December 22, 2011

Christmas Again

Well, here we are two days before Christmas, 2011. This week has been tough to put into words. We finally got all of the presents done, wrapped, cookies baked and delivered. Technically, I suppose we are ready for Christmas. Why do I feel like I could crawl under the covers and come out sometime in January?

I have some excitement for Christmas. Asher is almost two and will have a ball opening gifts. Every time we turn on the lights on the tree, he points and says "Wow" in his amazing little voice. He says "tree" every time he sees one in a book. I truly am thrilled for him to enjoy this season.

With that being said, I cannot figure out how it is possible to go from such extreme joy to such sorrow in a matter of seconds? This week I have found myself snuggling with Asher, giving him giant hugs and kisses and being filled with how sweet life can be. Then I go to sleep, or attempt to and cuddle River's blanket and cry. At that moment, I am filled with so much pain that I cannot even begin to describe it.

How can this be our third Christmas without him? How can it be that he and his little brother will never get to rush to open gifts Christmas morning? I have been asked by a few new babyloss families how the first or second Christmas should be and I have decided the following:

*Year one was numbness, we really don't even remember most of it except that it was crummy.
*Year two was shock, just the general feeling that this hadn't really happened to us.
*Year three, this year, I guess I am in disbelief that River is not here to celebrate with us.

It seems to hurt in a different way this year. I miss him tremendously, but unlike the last two years that seem a little foggy, this year is very clear. We will never get to celebrate Christmas with him on Earth. There still  seems to be denial that this is what life is going to be like, forever. Forever, seems unimaginable, I guess that's where the disbelief comes in. Maybe next year will bring more acceptance. Who knows? We only hope that other people remember him and that he is part of our family. His name will be included in our cards and gifts. He will have ornaments on the tree. He will live on in our hearts.

If you are reading this and are not a member of a bereaved family, please remember that it means the world to have our children mentioned. We will likely cry but not for reasons you may think. Remember that we hurt and miss them every day and you talking about them cannot make this worse. Actually, not talking about them makes it worse. We do realize it is uncomfortable for most people but take time to remember that we are uncomfortable every day without them here.

If you are reading this and you are a member of a bereaved family, know that we are thinking of you. We are remembering your children. We hope this holiday season is gentle on you as you cherish whatever amount of time you may have had, no matter how big or small. I have met some of the most amazing people in this journey without River and I am so blessed that he brought so many of you into my life. We are sending you all lots of love and prayers.


Shauna said...

Sending you a big HUG! Merry Christmas in Heaven River. <3

Tiffany said...

beautifully written. it's so unfair that we have to live our lives this way. missing our boys together.

Melissa said...

I feel much the same. It's hard to imagine how I would feel without Jonathan. This year is definitely easier than last but I still miss them incredibly and it's impossible not to let your mind wander to how things should be, but won't. Merry Christmas friend! I hope you feel River's spirit close.

Holly said...

If I sit too long and think about things then I get really sad and miss her more. The busyness of the year keeps my thoughts elsewhere many times

Tiffany said...

Its very hard thing to try and be excited for your other kids while missing another so much... I'll keep you guys in my thoughts this weekend. And I know that Ellie and River and all the other angels are looking down on us with smiles this weekend.

Natasha said...

I could cry reading this Deanna. I miss Aiden so much I think my heart might burst. And it's just like you said- now that Mason is here I go from moments of pure joy when I'm holding and kissing him, to moments of incredible pain when I think about the fact that Aiden is not here to celebrate Christmas with us. I hate this. I wish RIver and Aiden were here. I'm praying for you my friend and remembering little River always.....xoxo

Alissa said...

I did cry reading this today...and you nailed it right on the head. It's disbelief. I cannot believe that this is the 3rd Christmas without her. I feel it now more than I ever did before but for the same reasons as you stated. Things are clearer. The first Christmas, I was numb. The second Christmas, I was distracted by my Grams' illness. This year, it's all so clear. I am glad I have decorated and show growth, but it stings this year. I cannot believe how much time has gone by. Hugs and love to you, my friend. Thinking of you lots.

ter@waaoms said...

this is my 7th Christmas without my little girl... I still feel shocked and numb about it.

But, I didn't cry all day long, just a little bit. So I guess that is good?

I see you were a part of the giveaways too, I totally missed yours. Thanks for entering over at mine, and good luck to you. I'm sorry for your loss... look forward to getting to know you. :)

Becky said...

I hope you had a good Christmas, well as good as could have without River.
I was just trying to catch up on blog posts and started writing about my feelings toward this Christmas. You were spot on with saying that year one was numbness, that is exactly how I felt. Just numb.
Thank you so much for the the gift and thinking of Liam this holiday season. It meant a lot.

Tiffany said...

Just thinking about you and wanted to say hi!

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