Well, here we are two days before Christmas, 2011. This week has been tough to put into words. We finally got all of the presents done, wrapped, cookies baked and delivered. Technically, I suppose we are ready for Christmas. Why do I feel like I could crawl under the covers and come out sometime in January?
I have some excitement for Christmas. Asher is almost two and will have a ball opening gifts. Every time we turn on the lights on the tree, he points and says "Wow" in his amazing little voice. He says "tree" every time he sees one in a book. I truly am thrilled for him to enjoy this season.
With that being said, I cannot figure out how it is possible to go from such extreme joy to such sorrow in a matter of seconds? This week I have found myself snuggling with Asher, giving him giant hugs and kisses and being filled with how sweet life can be. Then I go to sleep, or attempt to and cuddle River's blanket and cry. At that moment, I am filled with so much pain that I cannot even begin to describe it.
How can this be our third Christmas without him? How can it be that he and his little brother will never get to rush to open gifts Christmas morning? I have been asked by a few new babyloss families how the first or second Christmas should be and I have decided the following:
*Year one was numbness, we really don't even remember most of it except that it was crummy.
*Year two was shock, just the general feeling that this hadn't really happened to us.
*Year three, this year, I guess I am in disbelief that River is not here to celebrate with us.
It seems to hurt in a different way this year. I miss him tremendously, but unlike the last two years that seem a little foggy, this year is very clear. We will never get to celebrate Christmas with him on Earth. There still seems to be denial that this is what life is going to be like, forever. Forever, seems unimaginable, I guess that's where the disbelief comes in. Maybe next year will bring more acceptance. Who knows? We only hope that other people remember him and that he is part of our family. His name will be included in our cards and gifts. He will have ornaments on the tree. He will live on in our hearts.
If you are reading this and are not a member of a bereaved family, please remember that it means the world to have our children mentioned. We will likely cry but not for reasons you may think. Remember that we hurt and miss them every day and you talking about them cannot make this worse. Actually, not talking about them makes it worse. We do realize it is uncomfortable for most people but take time to remember that we are uncomfortable every day without them here.
If you are reading this and you are a member of a bereaved family, know that we are thinking of you. We are remembering your children. We hope this holiday season is gentle on you as you cherish whatever amount of time you may have had, no matter how big or small. I have met some of the most amazing people in this journey without River and I am so blessed that he brought so many of you into my life. We are sending you all lots of love and prayers.