Upset

I have just been incredibly upset lately, and again maybe it is because yesterday was the 30th. Maybe because it marked another month without my little boy in my arms. He would be 25 months old now!
Maybe because this is how Babe gets to play with his big brother:

I am not sure what has gotten me so upset lately, but I need to snap out of it. Despite the grief that has snuck up on me {yet again!} I have so much to be grateful for. I am the mother of these two sweet boys, and for that I am thankful. I just wish that I didn't have to wish so often that things were different.

On that note, I had a wonderful weekend with Babe while Daddy was at work, we played in the sandbox, snuggled and read stories, we drew pictures, played in River's Garden, went for lunch with Great Grandma & Auntie, we even got a strawberry shake!

I wish River were here physically to have been part of all that fun...

Unanswered Questions

Why? 

There is a question I will never have the answer to.

Why did River die?
Why didn't he get to stay with us, physically?

Why will I never be the person I was before?

Why doesn't anything go as planned?

I have had a pretty bummer weekend...

Maybe it's all of the rain & storms we had over the last 2 days...

Maybe it's because even though I have a goofy little boy here, I miss River indescribably? 

Maybe because my husband has been sick all week, babe got a double ear infection for the first time, and I just feel useless? I can't shake days like this...

Maybe it is because I will never know why.

Love

“Love is the holding of memories only the heart can see.”

I came across this quote today {while doing some major spring cleaning} and it stuck with me. I often think of River and his life continuing with me, in my heart. 

The love we have for our children, consists of all of the memories we have, whether they were here with us only in the womb or for a few short hours, days, months or years. We hold on to the memories and love they have given us, in our hearts.

Quick Note

I have had a million things to catch up on this week, and then came down with some sort of allergic reaction on my hands. Nothing contagious which is great, but we did try some medications that put me under the weather for a few days. So, I am playing MAJOR catch-up on getting anything posted about our big event.

I can say this, it was a great turnout and we raised alot of funds to help Faith's Lodge, The Compassionate Friends and River's Uplift Program. I have gotten caught up on sending out the receipts for all of our generous donations in merchandise. I have the stars ready to mail and finally sent out photographs.

While my hands have not completely healed, the new medication has made me less drowsy and I am getting back to normal. I want to share this photograph of our stars shining so beautifully in the glass around the Faith's Lodge model. All of our sweet children were present that day, to celebrate River's birthday with him! I know they had a wonderful day together as our event was amazing.

thank you Kelly for this photograph!

I appreciate everyone's support over the last two weeks as we endured his birthday, his remembrance day, IBLM as well as the traditional Mother's Day. These weeks were filled with a sea of emotions for me and I am truly honored so many people remembered our sweet baby boy and sent me notes, messages and gifts.

I will do my best not to be as MIA as I have been the last week. I have been reading posts, just have not physically been able to post or comment. I am thinking of you all!!

2 Years Ago

Two years ago, I was saying goodbye to my sweet boy. I woke up this morning about the same time that last saw my son alive. 7:44AM,  he was still breathing. 8:20AM, he wasn't & I was on the phone with 911, my husband was doing CPR.

Those memories  overwhelmed me today as I woke up and checked on his little brother. I have a lot to do today to prepare for our big event tomorrow. River left such an impact on me, that I have to keep moving forward, to keep helping others & to share his life with everyone I can.

I want to thank everyone that has given me support in the last few weeks. I have received many emails and cards in the mail, numerous Facebook & blog comments. I don't like the reason we all met, but I'm fortunate you're here.

I will do my best to update later this weekend, this entire week has been devoted to this event. I hope to have a great turnout and a wonderful fundraiser to help those in need!!