Time

Where does it go? It has been a month and a half since I last posted...and well, things are still crazy! I am looking forward to finally spending a day with my husband and son on Sunday. Just us, the whole day (and lunch with some friends) but not one single thing that we have to do, finally!

My heart hurts right now for a few friends that have experienced another heartbreaking loss. My heart is happy right now for the little blessings brought to other friends recently. How is it possible to be so happy and so sad at the same time?

 I would appreciate anyone that can donating to the fundraiser in the sidebar. Becky and her family have been through so much. She has two sweet babies waiting for her and you can read more here. I would not know Becky or her sweet Liam and Evelynn if it weren't for River.

There are people in my life that I have not been able to meet in person but have come to call very close friends. They support everything I do and that is very much appreciated. They understand the frustration, anger, heartache, smiles, joy and love involved with grief. I am blessed that River brought them into my life.

There is so much more that I just cannot get into words today. Thinking of you all and wishing you hope, peace and happiness. 

Whirlwind

Things have been all over the place here. I have not had any time to catch up since River's Rally. I will be sending out River's Garden photos this week. My apologies to everyone for not having them out sooner.

River's birthday, his 3rd birthday was the 30th and it took everything I had to get through that day. The week following (leading up to our fundraiser) was long, hectic and emotional. I am really not sure why but this year seemed almost harder than last.

We took a trip to Duluth after the fundraiser and while it was nice to get away, it left little time for accomplishing anything. It was fun and a much needed break with the hubby and munchkin. We are managing at Faith's Lodge this weekend, so that is where I am now. The second time in two years I have been away from our living son, both times it was because I was here. Daddy is with him and I am doing this for River, so I guess that makes it alright in my heart.

I just wanted to say that I have been thinking of so many friends lately. Some are encountering new losses, some are remembering their child's birthday or anniversary. All are waking up tomorrow knowing it is Mother's Day and there is someone missing. Wishing everyone a gentle day whether your babies are here in your arms or carried in your heart.

3 years ago

Sweet River, 
Three years ago, I was awaiting your arrival and dreaming about our future as a family. Tomorrow you would be three years old. I cannot believe how the time flies! I often try to imagine you as a three year old boy. What would you be doing? What would your favorite foods be? What mischief would you be causing? You are so incredibly loved and missed. You changed my life and I am so grateful for the beauty and love you showed me in such a short time. I am blessed to have you as my son. Thank you so much, little man.
Love,
Mommy

One of your trees at Faith's Lodge. 

River's Garden: Where there is love, there is life.

05/01/2012: ORDERS ARE NOW CLOSED. I will be completing frames for display this weekend and they will ship out the next week to you. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!


04/19/2012: UPDATE: This will be open for orders until April 30, River's 3rd birthday. I want to make sure that we have enough time to print pictures and create the frames.


The remembrance wall for River's Rally 2012 is underway. You will be able to choose an image from River's Garden and have your loved ones name added to it.

The images can be viewed at River's Run and Ride Rally Facebook Page. I am very excited about this year's idea. I am honored to share a little of River's Garden with everyone! Simply choose your image and then come back here to fill out this form.

It's April

It's April again! It seems that every year, as this month begins there is just a different feeling.

A heavier weight on my chest.
It's a little harder to breathe.
I constantly fight back tears.
Heartache and hesitation.
Nothing seems quite right.

Well, it isn't. This month, River would be three. Can you even believe that, three? How could it have been that long since we held him? How could it have been that long since we kissed his sweet face?

Today brought another Easter without him to find eggs and fill up on goodies. It is so hard to imagine my family with two little boys here on earth. It is so hard to imagine what he would be like. I see his cousins that are so close in age to him and just wonder.

I see his little brother and wonder if they would look alike. How much would they fight like brothers do? Would he still have red hair? I am completely amazed every single day by this little boy I get to hold in my arms every night. He just takes my breath away and I know that his big brother is taking good care of him.

We are busy planning a few events in River's memory and this keeps my mind occupied most of the time. But when there is down time, I just can't help but wonder what he'd be like.

Sweet River,
There isn't a single second that you are not on my mind and in my heart.
Your daddy, brother and I want you to know how much we love you.
We wish we could see your sweet face again and your big beautiful eyes.
We are so proud  to be your parents. Your short life had such an impact on the world. We will carry you with us as long as we live. We miss you tons. 

River Bear, you arrived on a very special day. You were able to come with  us to Faith's Lodge to celebrate your little brother's second birthday. I couldn't believe that was how big you were, the more I held you in my arms, the more it felt like you. Thank you, Molly Bears, for this beautiful keepsake in memory of our little boy. 

Consider making a donation or find out how to sign up for one at Molly Bears!

River's Garden

I wanted to share a few pictures of River's Garden with everyone. We turned the water on in the garden on his little brother's second birthday, March 23, 2012...which is odd in northern Wisconsin! It has been gorgeous weather here and the garden will be awake before we know it. Last year at this time it was still buried in the snow.

It's strange to me to measure the last three years by this beautiful garden. The year River was born, there was NO garden, in 2010 (his brother's birthday) there were daffodils in full bloom, in 2011 there was still a ton of snow, this year the lilacs are growing like crazy (which also means the weeds are too).

Here are a few photos of the garden:

From the top of the garden, or street view if you are walking by our house.

 I love the river and pond in this angle.
Eventually we won't be able to see the neighbors house across the street.

Don't forget you can order your River's Garden memorial keepsake here:
http://riverdaniel-foreverourangel.blogspot.com/2012/02/rivers-garden-where-there-is-love-there.html

Can't Keep Up

I may be in a little over my head at the moment...but it is exciting nonetheless!

We have a Silpada jewelry fundraiser coming up on February 10th for River's Rally. If you have any interest in ordering visit our generous representative, Melissa.

I have been busy planning Asher's 2nd birthday party in March, turns out our family will be staying at Faith's Lodge again, such a wonderful place to spend it!

We pinned down all of the details for our Rocket Club event for April. We are SO excited! It hasn't really sunk in yet, but it is going to be a wonderful night! You can find more information on our story with Rocket Club and get tickets on River's Rally website.

Then our 3rd Annual event is on May 5th. Seems like a TON happening! Asher has been in swimming lessons which he loves. He is going to start going to playgroup again next week, I am excited for him. I have been working 40+ hours and starting another class on Monday. I have been attempting to get back into shape, which is frustrating at times...but I am trying!

Things are going very well, I have been blog reading, just have not had time to comment and post here. I will be posting soon with our memory wall idea for this year's annual event. I think you are all going to love it! I am head over heels for this project!

Oh and I somehow missed that this is my 105th post, hard to believe!! 

New Year's Eve

Here we are at the end of another year, I don't think I have really strong feelings good or bad about embarking upon a new year. 2011 brought many things to us, a few changes (becoming a student and getting a promotion) and another successful year for River's Rally.

2012 is already getting packed full of things to do, plans and dreams we hope to make come true...I hope we continue on this path and are able to make some of these things happen.

I was just reading a dear friend, Melissa's blog, and thought that I would share the following:

New Year's Resolutions for Bereaved Parents

I Resolve:

That I will grieve as much and for as long as I feel like grieving, 

and that I will not let others put a time table on my grief.

That I will grieve in whatever way I feel like grieving, and I will ignore those who try to tell me 

what I should or should not be feeling and how I should or should not be behaving.

That I will cry whenever and wherever I feel like crying, and that I will not hold back my tears just because someone else feels I should be "brave" or "getting better" or "healing by now."

That I will talk about my child as often as I want to, 

and that I will not let others turn me off just because they can't deal with their own feelings.

That I will not expect family and friends to know how I feel, 

 understanding that one who has not lost a child cannot possibly know how I feel.

That I will not blame myself for my child's death, 

and I will constantly remind myself that I did the best job of parenting I could possibly have done. 

 But when feelings of guilt are overwhelming, 

I will remind myself that this is a normal part of the grief process and it will pass.

That I will not be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help, if I feel it is necessary.

That I will commune with my child at least once a day in whatever way feels comfortable and natural to me, and that I won't feel compelled to explain this communion to others or to justify or even discuss it with them.

I will keep the truth in my heart--the truth that my child is always with me in spirit.

That I will try to eat, sleep, and exercise every day in order to give my body strength it will need to help me cope with my grief.

To know that I am not losing my mind and I will remind myself that loss of memory, feelings of disorientation, lack of energy, and a sense of vulnerability are all a normal part of the grief process.

To know that I will heal, even though it will take a long time.

To let myself heal and not feel guilty about not feeling better sooner.

To remind myself that the grief process is circuitous--that is, I will not make steady upward progress. And when I find myself slipping back into the old moods of despair and depression, I will tell myself that "slipping backward" is also a normal part of the mourning process, and that these moods, too, will pass.

To try to be happy about something for some part of every day, knowing that at first, I may have to force myself to think cheerful thoughts so eventually they can become a habit.

I have not been one to make New Year's resolutions in the past, mostly because I would always fail at them if I did, but the above resolutions do ring very true. I am wishing for happiness to all of my dearest friends and family this New Year's Eve. I will be celebrating with a very special little boy in my arms and another one in my heart. 

Christmas Again

Well, here we are two days before Christmas, 2011. This week has been tough to put into words. We finally got all of the presents done, wrapped, cookies baked and delivered. Technically, I suppose we are ready for Christmas. Why do I feel like I could crawl under the covers and come out sometime in January?

I have some excitement for Christmas. Asher is almost two and will have a ball opening gifts. Every time we turn on the lights on the tree, he points and says "Wow" in his amazing little voice. He says "tree" every time he sees one in a book. I truly am thrilled for him to enjoy this season.

With that being said, I cannot figure out how it is possible to go from such extreme joy to such sorrow in a matter of seconds? This week I have found myself snuggling with Asher, giving him giant hugs and kisses and being filled with how sweet life can be. Then I go to sleep, or attempt to and cuddle River's blanket and cry. At that moment, I am filled with so much pain that I cannot even begin to describe it.

How can this be our third Christmas without him? How can it be that he and his little brother will never get to rush to open gifts Christmas morning? I have been asked by a few new babyloss families how the first or second Christmas should be and I have decided the following:

*Year one was numbness, we really don't even remember most of it except that it was crummy.
*Year two was shock, just the general feeling that this hadn't really happened to us.
*Year three, this year, I guess I am in disbelief that River is not here to celebrate with us.

It seems to hurt in a different way this year. I miss him tremendously, but unlike the last two years that seem a little foggy, this year is very clear. We will never get to celebrate Christmas with him on Earth. There still  seems to be denial that this is what life is going to be like, forever. Forever, seems unimaginable, I guess that's where the disbelief comes in. Maybe next year will bring more acceptance. Who knows? We only hope that other people remember him and that he is part of our family. His name will be included in our cards and gifts. He will have ornaments on the tree. He will live on in our hearts.

If you are reading this and are not a member of a bereaved family, please remember that it means the world to have our children mentioned. We will likely cry but not for reasons you may think. Remember that we hurt and miss them every day and you talking about them cannot make this worse. Actually, not talking about them makes it worse. We do realize it is uncomfortable for most people but take time to remember that we are uncomfortable every day without them here.

If you are reading this and you are a member of a bereaved family, know that we are thinking of you. We are remembering your children. We hope this holiday season is gentle on you as you cherish whatever amount of time you may have had, no matter how big or small. I have met some of the most amazing people in this journey without River and I am so blessed that he brought so many of you into my life. We are sending you all lots of love and prayers.

Giveaway Winner!!

It was my pleasure to participate in the 25 Days of Giveaways!
The winner using random.org is:

#6 Sarah!
Congratulations! I will be contacting you to work out details and shipping arrangements.

My thoughts are with everyone as we celebrate without our children. I hope everyone has a peaceful holiday season.

Guest Post: 12 Days of Christmas with You in Heaven

I am honored to be a guest at Small Bird Studios today for the 12 Days of Christmas with You in Heaven! 

Fran's lovely idea to share things that we have done for the holidays to remember our children is amazing! Every year, we make some kind of ornament for the grandparents and aunts and uncles to place on their trees. It is our way of helping them remember River through the holidays.

I hope you will visit Small Bird Studios to see how this was made. Check back there each day through December 12th to see other lovely ideas and wonderful ornaments!

25 Days of Giveaways!!

I am very honored to be part of this! Thank you to Tina for putting this together. Have I mentioned how blessed I am to have found such amazing people to share this journey with? I really cannot express how grateful I am to all of them for their creativity and ideas to keep our children's names alive. It truly is a blessing to take part in creating these memories.

Every year, we make some kind of ornament for the grandparents and aunts and uncles to place on their trees. It is our way of helping them remember River through the holidays. I would like to giveaway a personalized ornament.

All you have to do for the giveaway is leave a comment here with the name and color you would like for the ornament. I will use random.org to choose a winner on Monday December 5th at 9:00pm (CST) so the item can be made and shipped in time for the holidays!

NOTE: ** See how this was made! I will be guest posting the tutorial tomorrow, December 5th, at Small Bird Studios. Check back there each day through December 12th to see other lovely ideas and wonderful ornaments!

25 Days of Giveaways

I am very honored to be part of this! Thank you to Tina for putting this together.

Have I mentioned how blessed I am to have found such amazing people to share this journey with?

I really cannot express how grateful I am to all of them for their creativity and ideas to keep our children's names alive. It truly is a blessing to take part in creating these memories.

Very Excited!

I am so excited to participate in Fran's '12 days of Christmas with you in Heaven' series! I wasn't sure what to do but then I remembered something I loved making for River last season. I have been preparing a lovely tutorial. I hope you enjoy it when it is posted! Stay tuned! 

Beauty

Things have been crazy... do I say that alot? I'm pretty sure I do! Well, I don't think that I have followed through on sharing many photos of all of the happenings around here. I wanted to share two that warmed my heart and helped me realize the beauty that has become River's life.

Two and a half years ago today, we said goodbye to him. We held him the last time alive, we kissed him and hugged our sweet boy. Little did we know. It is so hard to believe it has been that long, but it also feels like a lifetime ago. Well, it was, his lifetime anway.

Last weekend, we went to Faith's Lodge and planted the last of the four trees we bought. We were only able to plant one on the Restore the Hope day because there still wasn't enough land cleared. The staff and volunteers at Faith's Lodge planted the other two as land became clear. It was a beautiful fall day in November and Asher wanted to help! It is amazing what a little personality he has and how grown up he is becoming.


Daddy and Brother with River's last tree.

 It wasn't until a friend of mine, whom I first met at this amazing place, pointed out that because of this devastation (referring to both the storm and the grief) I was able to take this beautiful picture. A moment that our family will cherish forever. Faith's Lodge on the hillside shows just how much of the land was damaged. This tree is planted by the garden, for those of you that have been there!

Today we attended the Children's Remembrance Service at North Valley Lutheran Church. This was our third time attending. I can't believe that, three services remembering River (and that's just this one!) Last year I spoke and shared a poem, this year I spoke again and shared my experience finding all of you and shared a quote from a post that I did for Fran's Small Miracles Blog Hop a while back. As we left the service the sun was setting (darn daylight savings time) and it was so beautiful.

I thought of all the children who are so dearly missed.

We spent the last week in Milwaukee for the Wisconsin Library Association. For those of you that don't know (from my changes post), I applied for the director position and got it! It was an incredibly stressful two weeks while the library board interviewed five of us and I waited through three meetings until they decided. That is some of the craziness!

The other craziness has been school, I have completed two classes with an A in both (who knew?) We attended Hope Rocks in September. We got to meet Lynhurst and Rocket Club! Rocket Club's song One More Day is known by many of us. It holds a very special place in our hearts as River is in the video!



It was an honor to meet them, and we shared River with them in person. They were so sweet and very honored to meet parents of the children in their video (there were a number of us there!)

We spent a day in September in Duluth with amazing friends. October included a trip to Madison for the Forever In Our Hearts Remembrance Day, where I got to meet Alissa, see Melissa again and stopped to meet Holly on the way down. It was a beautiful trip, another thing that River has brought to my life.

River's Rally got a new website, we are working on sponsorships for next year already. The Compassionate Friends candle lighting is coming up and then we are to the holiday season, which is something I am not sure I am ready for... I guess we'll deal with that in another post.

I think that catches me up! Thank you all for reading, staying with me during the wild times that happen around here. Spending an entire evening catching up because it takes me so long to post. I love you all! <3

Comments

So today I FINALLY had a few minutes to catch up on some blog reading... but it won't let me comment on anyone. You will all have to trust that I have read and read and caught up with all that is happening and I want to say I am thinking of you... all of you. Blogger just won't let me!

Spoken Word Blog Round Up

Here it is, my participation in Angie's spoken word blog round up! I was incredibly nervous to do this, but wanted to, especially today, they day River would be two and a half.

That's it! Forgive my pauses and reading from the screen, I am very glad I took part in this. The blog post I read was from March 6th, 2011 if you would like to see the pictures. 

Friends and Fundraising

I think that the people that River brought into my life are the best people in the world. They have been there for me, shown me lots of love and most importantly...remembered my little boy.

Well, I have been behind, really really really behind in just about everything. I wanted to take a minute today to remember Julius. His mommy, Tiffany, and I got to meet this summer and we both battle with the loss of our babies to SIDS. She has been wonderful in supporting me. Thank you sweet friend, we are remembering your little boy with you.

Another dear friend's little girl, Ellie, is also on my mind. Tiffany and I also got to meet this summer. I really connect with her honesty and openness when it comes to the feelings. We share a lot about the things we have to deal with mothering an angel. I don't know what I would do without you ladies!

Also, I have been meaning to do this forever! A very kind person contacted me regarding helping her fundraise for the CJ Foundation. I had to get some reassurance since we all know how cruel people can be... but even more so we know there are individuals who prey on grieving families. She was completely willing to give me whatever I needed to help her out. So here goes, visit Amber at www.facebook.com/MiAmoreBoutique and she will donate 25% of her profits to the CJ Foundation until Halloween! I have a copy of a letter from this organization verifying Amber's desire to donate, if you have questions let me know and I can share that with you.

Lastly, I am very excited to go to Madison this weekend for the Forever In Our Hearts Remembrance Day and to see some lovely friends. I couldn't think of a better way to spend October 15th, remembering all of our babies with love. Thank you Alissa and Melissa for putting this together, I can't wait to see you!