Spread the Word, Please

My mom is hosting an Uppercase Living Fundraiser, to help River's Run and Ride Rally! We got a few things from my mom for Asher's room, and I'll admit I thought it was pretty cool. Well, I went to the website today after getting the link, and OMGoodness!!! You can customize, preview with the colors you have in your home and what color to order the product in, anything is possible!

This quote is one I had read somewhere a while back, and while searching today I came across it again. This is on my wish list, along with others! The details to this fundraiser are below and as we are drawing nearer to our main event, any help is greatly appreciated! In 2010 we made almost $10,000 to help so many people and we'd love to exceed that this year! This is where you come in, my world of people that truly understand, please share this with anyone you feel may be interested. The details to what our organization does are on our website: www.riversrally.org

Thank you all in advance for your help! Big "Thank You" to River's Grandma for hosting this fundraiser in his name.

Fundraiser Details:

Personalize your home without leaving it!
You’re invited to take part in our Uppercase Living® catalog party to benefit River's Run and Ride Rally!

Looking to do something dramatic yet simple with those blank walls or mundane spaces in your home? The latest home decorating trend is “words on a wall.” With Uppercase Living® decorative expressions and designs, you can make your home yours. Bring the incredible expressiveness of words into your home with witty phrases, spiritual quotes and meaningful sayings. Uppercase Living has designs for every room in your home — kitchens, living rooms, foyers, bedrooms, laundry rooms. Choose from hundreds of professionally designed expressions or create your own custom expression.

Step 1: Browse the catalog on my demonstrator’s website at www.WordsOnAWall.com. Click on Products to view the online catalog. Create a custom expression or create a larger-than-life vinyl photo on the MyDesign Suite.

Step 2: When ordering online, click on Rivers Rally Fundraiser in the menu: ‘Associate this order with an open house’ by March 14.

Half of all commissions will go toward our cause!

For questions: Contact Paula or Julee with any questions and your order by March 14.

My demonstrator: Julee Sylvester, 763.767.1149 or wordsonawall@gmail.com

Faith

This has been one of my favorite quotes, since the very beginning of this journey, when River passed away. Although I loved this, I wasn't sure I could ever have hope again. I really questioned my faith and wondered how this could have happened. It wasn't until I began to believe that if there would have been anything I could have done to save my sweet baby, God would have allowed me to, that my faith began to grow again.

Since this realization, I had hope. I have hope that I am being the best mother to River that I could ever be. I have faith that he is watching over his little brother. I know there are days that are harder and it is still dark at times, but the fact that I can move forward, carrying River in my heart is more hope that I ever could have asked for.

I am a much different person than I was 2 years ago, and this photograph is one that continues to give me hope. These flowers are from River's Garden last fall and Asher picked them as we were playing in the grass. I thought it was so sweet & I set them on top of this rock. The way the sun shines behind them is describes the immense presence River has in our lives. This is one photograph I have that represents both of my children, flowers that Asher picked in River's Garden. I have this on a necklace and most people see flowers, I see hope and love.

Here is My Bow

I was recently asked by a friend, if I could offer support to a family that I've never met, but they lost their baby girl, suddenly. This friend forwarded me the blog and I immediately went to read the story. I know many of you may have already read the story of precious Maddie, but as I was reading I remembered every minute of the morning River passed away, and all of the details at the ER came flooding back. I understand the shock and pain of everything being "just fine" one minute and your baby dying the next.

I have been following this blog since that day, and today we were asked to honor Maddie by having our daughters wear bows. Well, I have no daughters, and I honestly don't even own anything with a bow on it. I still want to honor Maddie with a bow, and this is my way of doing so. I may not be physically wearing a bow, but my blog is.

Remembering this precious little girl and praying for her family to find peace, and healing in the times to come.

Hope

What gives me hope? Well, there are a few things, the first being my husband, my family and the friends that have helped me encounter the hardest thing I have ever had to do. They are all the reason I have gotten to where I am today, with my chin up. That doesn't happen every day, but it does most days.

Second, I have hope because of these two sweet little boys, my sons. One I get to hold in my arms, the other I can only hold in my heart.

River

Asher

The other thing that gives me hope is this amazing community of parents, all doing the same thing sharing their children, their feelings, their fears and just this: their hopes. I read posts and on bad days wish that I could take away the author's pain, and share the tears. On good days, I wish I was closer so I could give them a hug, or they could see my smile when reading their posts! I am grateful to have connected with so many people that think the same things when they read my posts.

Participating in this Blog Hop from Franchesca was fitting as I reflected yesterday on all of the parents and all of the babies I have learned so much about in the process of grieving my precious River. I want to share this with all of you, and I think it is perfect timing!

These are flowers I received for my 30th birthday. They are so beautiful, and I thought that I would share them with River. I wrote names of the babies I believe have become his friends in Heaven on the petals.

I hope that this gives others hope, knowing that I (and many others) are thinking of you and your children, on a daily basis. I am not a daily blogger, but I check often for updates and read what others have posted. I appreciate being able to connect with you, and to know that I am not alone. I hope that you don't feel alone either. This is my hope for all of us in handling the grief we carry with us every day. On that note, I would like to share one last photo of "The Bluebird of Happiness" that I received as part of this beautiful flower arrangement.Wishing you happiness & hope in knowing our children will not be forgotten.

Love

So the biggest "love" day of the year has passed, and as I played with my sweet baby and husband last night, and laughed, I thought about all of the love I have in my life.

This quote is one of my all time favorites, and I submitted it to Franchesca at Small Bird Studio a few weeks ago on her Bluebird Tuesday! Thank you, for creating this beautiful image for me to share!

I have been thinking a lot lately about why this quote is so important to me and I've come up with this:
1. "What we have once enjoyed we can never lose,"
I enjoy River in my life. I once enjoyed the following things: being pregnant with him, giving birth to him, hearing him cry, nursing him, hugging him, kissing his forehead, singing him to sleep (although I am awful!), and I enjoy that fact that he is my son. Notice the past and present tenses used here. I enjoyed him and therefore can never lose him.
2. "All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."
My heart has more love now that I ever thought possible, but not just because I am a mother, because I am carrying the love of and for River with me everywhere I go. I love River deeply. He is part of me. He will always be part of me.

With this in mind, yesterday I had a new look on Valentine's Day. When I got home from work, I received a wonderful card from my husband, and some yummy dark chocolates! Thanks, honey!! There was also a vase with two beautiful white roses, and a note that said "a rose from both of your sons." Both of my sons, what a wonderful gift!

We ate dinner, and decided to head out to the cemetery. We had a balloon that said "I Love You" and we thought we'd bring out to River. As we were getting ready, Asher decided to play with it. It was so wonderful to see the excitement and pure joy on his face. We got in the car and were so ecstatic when we arrived, that we finally could drive in! The wonderful warm weather melted enough of the drifted snow and we weren't afraid we'd get stuck. We added our little red hearts to River's winter tree and we tied the balloon to his planter. Today I am wondering if it is still there or if the wind has taken it sailing to the Heavens, either of these would be alright with me.

This series of events brought me so much joy. Would I change the fact that River isn't here? You bet I would, if I could! Remembering this quote yesterday, got me through. Knowing that there is so much love in my life from my husband, family and friends, is simply because River was here physically and because he is still here in spirit is just breathtaking.

Silpada Jewelry Fundraiser

Last night, a Silpada Jewelry Fundraiser was held for River's Run and Ride Rally. We almost made it to our goal, with a few more orders we can do it! If you or someone you know wants to order, please contact Melissa (melissahall@chibardun.net) or myself (deanna@riversrally.org) before Tuesday, February 15th.

Melissa Halling, our Silpada Representative, is donating all of her profits to our cause. Visit her website to look! We get approximately 30% of the sales for this fundraiser, and everything is so beautiful. Find something nice for yourself, family member or friend and help our cause in memory of sweet River.

A big thank you to Melissa for all of her hard work on this event, and thank you to all that have placed orders already. It’s amazing how many people we can help by just one order. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!!!!!

Precious Boy

On Friday, Ben and I decided to go out to dinner just the two of us, I am pretty sure this is the first time that happened in a very long time, likely sometime when I was pregnant with River, 2 years ago! As we were dropping Asher off at Grandpa and Grandma Foerst's for a couple of hours, we saw 6, yes SIX, deer along the driveway. They just stood there and watched us drive by. They were fairly close to the road and I pondered if I could get the camera out fast enough, but didn't make it in time.

This was a very special moment in celebrating our birthdays, I know without a doubt that happening was because of my precious boy. River seems to have put deer in my path many times over the last year and a half. The photo above was a gift I received over Christmas, and it has a beautiful etching of a deer on it.

Thank you River, for wishing your daddy and I a happy birthday. It was wonderful to feel your presence more than just in spirit. We love you and are so grateful you celebrated our birthdays with us. You helped make this birthday weekend one of the most special birthdays we have ever had!

Neverending Feelings

I wonder, if the feelings that come around the 30th and 6th of every month will ever go away. Sometimes they come and I don't realize why, until after the fact. Other times it's glaringly obvious why they are here: my baby isn't.

The 30th is the day River was born, the 6th is the day he passed away. I have been grumpy and frustrated all week. It doesn't matter who, why or what, I have just not been able to get it out of my mind. It just so happens that this month, my husband and I are celebrating our 30th birthdays on the 5th and 6th. How do I feel about that?

Well, I am suppose to have two baby boys, that is a thought that is hard to recover from. River should be 21 months old! Instead I remember him as a precious little baby who lived in our arms for less than a week. Asher has more teeth coming in, and has been such a sweet snuggly boy. He has been hilarious at trying to stand on his own, and walk around the room hanging on to the furniture. These things really make me miss River. Asher amazes me every day, and really takes my breath away, but every time he does something new, I wonder more and more about River. I have to stop myself often, and just remember to enjoy him.

I have been trying to keep these negative feelings under control by focusing all of my energy into River's Run and Ride Rally as well as our Compassionate Friends chapter. These are the only things I can do to keep his memory alive, and help others. Sometimes it feels overwhelming and I think that I really would just like to have him back. Then, of course, I realize that I can't.

So I keep moving, forward, I think. I am still his mother, and I still love him with all of my heart. I wish things were different, but they can't be, so I work with what I've got. That is my love for my family and River pushing me to do whatever I can.

This is most definitely not where I thought my life would be when I was 30, but it is and I am going to make the best of it! I know that River will be at our birthday party, helping us celebrate!

River's Run and Ride Rally Updates!

*UPDATE* As of today, 02/01/2011, River's Run and Ride Rally is officially 501(c)(3)!!!! This is the most AMAZING news!! It really brought tears to my eyes that we will be able to continue to help so many people. River lives on, through the hard work and dedication of our board of directors, to bring help, healing and hope to those enduring hardships!

Things are really coming together!
Our events are listed on our website, there are some amazing donations that have been sent to us already and we have amazing support in sponsors!!

Full Sponsors:

Partial Sponsors:

B&L Caskets & Custom Wood Products - Co-owners: Adam Broten & Cash Langeness (715)327-4200

Thank you to all of our supporters! Through your generosity we are able to reach so many people and families in need. We appreciate your kindness!!!

Shine, Jesus, Shine

This week at church, Ben and I were honored to be chosen as godparents for the son of one of our closest friend's. Another friend of ours was going to be a godparent as well, although his life was taken in a car accident, so his mother stood in his place. Our pastor (my father-in-law) noted that he could not be with us physically but he was in spirit, as he was with our Heavenly father. After fighting tears through this, we sat down and I noticed that the offering song was "Shine, Jesus, Shine." Seeing this brought me further to tears, as this song was sang at River's Funeral. Another Pastor, sang this toward the end of his service, and it was so beautiful.

This song was chosen for River's service, because River's grandpa said "on the morning River died, in the middle of all the sadness and darkness, there was a part of a song that kept going through my mind that became a prayer. I heard this melody which I found out later was from the hymn "Shine, Jesus, Shine," and my prayer became flow, Spirit, flow bring in us a comfort, flow, river, flow."

Hearing it this Sunday was the first time I had heard it since that day, May 9, 2009. I felt like I was back in that moment, wondering how this could be happening, how I was going to spend my first Mother's Day without my son? How was I going to keep moving, without him to hold? How was I going to get through his first Christmas, his first birthday? I couldn't even think beyond the "firsts."

Now I have spent 2 Mother's Days, Christmases, and almost 2 birthdays without him on earth, but I have realized that he does flow through us, his parents and family in everything we do. When the tears began to pour out, his baby brother, Asher leaned over out of Daddy's arms and took hold of my shoulder, hugging us both. I know that River too, does shine on us. We will make sure that his life with us continues to flow and shine bright even though we are not able to hold him in our arms, we will carry him in our hearts forever.

The lyrics are played in this video:

Cold January Day

So, there was a woman today that approached me and wanted to thank my husband and I for what we do for others. She was referring to The Compassionate Friends, support group. She shared with me that she lost a baby, at 6 months gestation...in the 60's. She was living in California and the hospital would not tell her if it was a boy or girl. She began to tear up, she said it's always bothered her that she never knew if she had a son or daughter.

She asked if she could give me a hug, to which I said sure. If a simple hug from me could make someone that I barely know feel better, then I will do it! I told her that she is welcome to come to our meetings, and we would love to hear more about her baby. I discussed with her, that even after all of these years she could give the baby a name. I know people that have miscarried before doctors could tell the gender, use this as a way to give the baby an identity. Now, I have ideas, but not many so I would appreciate suggestions. I have heard before: peanut, star, sprout, jellybean...

This may be a way to give her a little peace, after all this time has passed. We know how it feels when someone, anyone acknowledges our children, it's music to our ears. This poor woman not only has nobody acknowledging her baby now, but when it was born! I could tell she was very angry by how that was handled.

I hope I see her again someday. I would like to tell her that she impacted me, just that few minutes, on a random, cold January day. I will never forget her story.

Christmas Gifts for River

So, I am really late on this...because I am awful at uploading pictures and even worse at organizing them! I did feel like I wanted to share the wonderful things that were given to us!

It made me very happy that we received so many! We were in the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope gift exchange and Melissa sent us the beautiful feather ornament (top middle) and the candle holder (bottom right) with River's name etched on it! We continued our tradition and made him a candle (bottom left). Both years for Christmas, we got a white Poinsettia for him at church. The beautiful heart ornament (top left) came from Grandpa & Grandma Foerst, the ornament of Asher's hands and River's brick at Faith's Lodge (bottom middle) came from Grandpa & Grandma Wheeler.

Thank you all for your generosity and remembering our sweet baby River.

Stylish Blogger Award!

I got an award! This award is from Jamie at Forget-me-not, Oh Lord!. Thank you, I am so new to this, that connecting with so many people who are so thoughtful and kind is amazing! I started this blog, to share River's life and it has become so much more, thank you all!

Here are the rules that come with receiving this award....
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

Share 7 things about myself? Hmmm...

1. I am married to my high school sweetheart (although we went to different schools) and we have been through everything, and I thought that we had endured a lot before our sweet baby River, but now I know that we can survive as long as we have each other to keep going forward.

2. I am blessed to be an angel mommy, but also a mommy on earth to an amazing little boy who is nearing 10 months old and literally takes my breath away every day.

3. I am an assistant librarian, which was a huge career change after River passed away and it was one of the best things I have ever done.

4. My family has been amazing, they have been there for me and worked hard to help us remember River. My husband's parents have also gone above and beyond. Thank you all so much!

5. I would love to find more time to organize my pictures, scrapbook (real or digital) and stamp cards. These are things I always wish I had available.

6. I have been trying to get back into shape, more than just a New Year's resolution. River and his little brother were born just a year apart and that takes a toll!

7. We want to have more children some day, but need to get many things in order first (#6 being one of them). So many people say now, "wait 'til you have more kids running around" and to that I think - I do! Being a parent to River is just as time consuming and exhausting as parenting Asher. It's just in a different way because he isn't here physically and so many forget that.

On to the award winners, that I am notifying:

* Amazing Mikayla Grace - Melissa is a momma I got to meet at Faith's Lodge when my husband and I were volunteering, we reconnected through Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope and since become support we didn't imagine!

*Mattie at Beauty Will Rise - I am finding much inspiration in her strength. I know they say we are all "strong" for going through this, but some can share their strength with others and Mattie does!

*Kristin at Dear Stevie... - I am new to her personal blog and have just begun to learn about her precious baby girl.

* Ella's Halo - this is a family sharing their love for their little girl with so many! It's amazing to see people doing something like this for others.

*Alissa at On KK's Butterfly Wings - I came into touch with through Melissa, and it is unbelievable how someone I have never met can be so supportive!

*Small Bird Studio's creator, Franchesca is another new one for me, she is celebrating the birthday week of her beautiful studio, check her blog out for some awesome giveaways!

*Our Journey to Bailey & Beyond is from a momma that is working through adoption, Danae. She has a beautiful idea and needs our help to put this together. Go over and check her out, give a hand if you can!

*Stephanie at Carried Through Grief is carrying her rainbow baby! This is a challenging task, as any angel mother knows, please give her your support as she endures this new adventure!

*CarlyMarie is one of the first inspirations I had. I have always wanted to find something to bring to our community, like she does & I just haven't found the right thing for me yet. I continue to be blown away by her work and generosity!

*The team at Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope is wonderful! They connect our world, and allow us a safe place to share our stories.

*Lea at Angel Wings Memorial Boutique is so generous and her work is beautiful, I have been meaning to get River's wings done...hopefully I can cross that off my to do list soon!

*Bree at My Baby Butterfly Ella has a beautiful parade of butterflies for our babies gone too soon.

*My Forever Child is something I was introduced to early in our journey as my mother in law found it, and got the tag with River's footprints for my husband. I only recently found her blog, thank you Sue!

*Names on the Sidewalk by Tiffany is another beautiful idea to cherish our children's names, they all would have loved to play with sidewalk chalk! Lovely idea and another thing on my to-do list!

*Lastly, a blog that has been worked on by a dear, dear friend in memory of our precious River. This is for the event that we host annually as well as fund raise for throughout the year, check out her work for us at River's Run and Ride Rally.

Thank you again, for giving me this opportunity to share my story. Thank you for reading about my precious baby boy. Thank you all for your support and love. Thinking of you all, and always remembering our angels,.

If this is any indication...

So, here we are on January 8th, 2011. Officially one week into the new year, and so much has happened already! As the days pass, I think more and more about the fact that in just 3 short months, River would be 2. TWO!? It still at times doesn't seem real, that my first child was born 2 years ago, and he isn't here to hold, play with and snuggle to sleep at night.

On that note, Asher started walking this week, pushing his little toy around the living room, and he is so good at it! He is not quite 10 months, and Ben and I were just laughing, because he'd slip onto his bottom and get right back up! Through all of this I wondered, about River. When would he have started to walk? Asher is also finally getting his top teeth in the front, and I wonder what River's smile would have looked like. So hard, I will never know. I know that he is pushing me, his mommy, to do so many things. To try and help as many people as I can. He is guiding me through almost every day.

Which leads me to River's Run & Ride Rally. We have begun getting ready for 2011's main event, which happens to fall on Mother's Day weekend this year. We started soliciting donations, and have gotten some wonderful responses already!

Angel Bracelets is donating a certificate for purchase of their products, Carly is donating some of her beautiful photography, it's so amazing! The list goes on, we are going to be Franchesca's "Pay It Forward" recipient in March - which means that a portion of all of her blog designs for that month will be given to us! I don't know about you, but so far, I'd say that we are off to a wonderful start! I am also working with another amazing mommy, Melissa, on some items for silent auction. She did a giveaway a while back where I won a beautiful memory box. It is gorgeous!

The one thing all of these women have in common is that they have lost their babies. It takes my breath away, the generosity of these ladies in memory of their children. I guess it's something that comes with the pain, learning to pay it forward. I want to personally thank each of them, and I look forward to working with them on projects in the future.

The last big thing that happened this week, is that Ben and I are officially chapter leaders of The Compassionate Friends. This is a support group for bereaved families, and the closest one was an hour away. We are honored to be able to help families, and give them a safe place to talk about their children, and remember them. It is a big step, I was almost in tears. Never in my life did I ever imagine I could possibly have the strength to do something like this. I guess I never imagined that I would be a "bereaved parent" either and I somehow am moving through life with that title, so I can do this too! Our first meeting is in a week and a half! Wish me luck :)

I think that covers the first week of 2011. If this week is any indication of what's in store for this year, I have my work cut out for me! I am going to try and get some pictures uploaded of the beautiful ornaments and things we received for River this holiday season. I cherish every one of them!

2011 So Far

Well, this year has been incredibly busy and we are only 3 days in! I vowed to get as much done before going back to work yesterday as I possibly could, and I did pretty well! I have been working hard on getting organized, creating a feasible schedule for our household, and of course playing with precious Asher as much as I can!

I started going to the gym again, something that over the last few months, had become lost in the madness. It feels good, and it's only been a few days! I need to get into shape if I am going to keep up with myself or our rainbow baby that is trying to walk!

I began work on the River's Rally website, so much information to share there, and it's so nice to have a user friendly site for both me and viewers! (Thank you Jesse, for your patience and help on this!) I started a database of people and places that we mailed donation request letters to before the end of the year, and a list of those I have thought of since then.

We decided what to do for our 30th birthdays yesterday. It looks like we are inviting everyone to the Pizzeria for dinner on my birthday (Saturday), as Ben's birthday is Sunday and the Superbowl will be on...which is always a great way to spend a birthday! We are hoping that the Packers keep up momentum and do well in the playoffs!

I started to send out emails for the meeting we are having in 2 weeks regarding beginning a chapter of The Compassionate Friends in our area. Ben and I would be chapter leaders! I know, I know...who needs more on their plate right? It's something I wish I'd had closer when River passed away and I will consider it a privilege to help others that have to endure this pain.

So we are on our way to a very busy, but meaningful 2011, watching Asher grow and working hard to help others in memory of his big brother. Someday he will understand the reason behind all the craziness that goes on in our home!

Hoping that everyone can find peace and hope as we embrace a new year, while remembering children that cannot be with us to hold in our arms, but will be with us in our hearts forever.

River's Run and Ride Rally 2011

We are in high gear as the year comes to an end, getting ready for next year's event. The big day is May 7, 2011. This year we raised over $8000 on this one day for Faith's Lodge, The Compassionate Friends and River's Uplift Program. We are busy mailing out letters and compiling lists of people or places who are willing to donate to our cause. We are looking for gift certificates, merchandise, monetary donations as well as hand-crafted and one-of-a-kind items. This year's silent auction and raffle was amazing and we hope to make next year's even better! I am hoping to find unique items that will make our community inspired to donate! River's Run and Ride Rally helped so many people since May of this year, we want to be able to do even more next year!

River's Second Christmas

This Christmas is very different from last year. We are celebrating Asher's first Christmas, and what should be River's second! The biggest difference is that we actually got a tree this year, a real one and decorated it. We had done this in years prior, but didn't last year as we just had a very special tree for River, which has become a permanent fixture in our house!

We have done many special things to include River in our holidays, as we did last year:

*I participated in a wonderful gift exchange through Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope, as you may have read in an earlier post, it was beautiful to receive gifts in the mail for my precious baby from Melissa, Mikayla's mommy!
*River's Run & Ride Rally, Inc. purchased gifts for Operation Christmas.
*Ben and I bought a gift card when we went to dinner last night and had the cashier give it to the next customer.
*We had the beautiful candle lighting on the 12th, and our make-up one with The Compassionate Friends in Maplewood last night.
*We made ornaments again this year, as well as a candle for the grandparents.
*We purchased another brick for the path at Faith's Lodge from Asher.
*We write letters to him to put into his stocking as well.
These are all things we do because of our love for River. I think that many people forget that, we love him just as much as if he were here physically.
I am not quite as anxious about attending family functions this year as I was last Christmas, although it will be hard to see Asher opening gifts and there won't be any for River. We did get 2 ornaments from our parents for the tree, and they are so beautiful and it was so thoughtful. I will have to share pictures of these when I get a chance. I am still nervous about family functions because I think sometimes people feel uncomfortable when we talk about River, but he is a part of our lives and we aren't going to pretend like he isn't.
I hope that all of you have a safe, peaceful holiday season, filled with hope as we remember that our children live on, always in our hearts and on our minds.

Hope

I haven't cried that hard in quite some time. I am literally feeling the pain of losing River all over again. I feel so helpless for my friend. At her son's service today, I remembered getting ready for River's like it just happened. Although it was today as people have been asking, that I realized that it's been over a year and a half. I remembered looking like I was still pregnant and wondering why I wasn't holding my baby instead of burying him? I remember thinking that nothing worse than this could happen to me, and that I wanted to be a mommy still. In my heart I was, but on the outside I didn't have any living children, so was I still a mother?

Then, I remember the day I felt a little bit of hope, like I would get through this, I had to for River. I had to keep my chin up and move forward doing good things in his memory. He wanted me to be happy, and to celebrate his life with us on earth. His spirit is with us, showing us the way. God is guiding us to help others in any way we can. If I had the means to devote all of my time coordinating with bereaved families, working on remembrance gifts and helping others I would.

I hope that what I have been doing is inspirational to others, I hope that it is helping, just a little. I know that I do not have the ability to change that I am a bereaved mother, but with that title, I can be there for others. As this week has gone on, I have thought "can I really do this? can I be the strength people need in their darkest hours?" As of right now, I believe I can. We will begin a support group, we will continue our work in River's name and we will move forward in the only way I know how, with hope and trust in my faith.