Spoken Word Blog Round Up

Here it is, my participation in Angie's spoken word blog round up! I was incredibly nervous to do this, but wanted to, especially today, they day River would be two and a half.

That's it! Forgive my pauses and reading from the screen, I am very glad I took part in this. The blog post I read was from March 6th, 2011 if you would like to see the pictures. 

Friends and Fundraising

I think that the people that River brought into my life are the best people in the world. They have been there for me, shown me lots of love and most importantly...remembered my little boy.

Well, I have been behind, really really really behind in just about everything. I wanted to take a minute today to remember Julius. His mommy, Tiffany, and I got to meet this summer and we both battle with the loss of our babies to SIDS. She has been wonderful in supporting me. Thank you sweet friend, we are remembering your little boy with you.

Another dear friend's little girl, Ellie, is also on my mind. Tiffany and I also got to meet this summer. I really connect with her honesty and openness when it comes to the feelings. We share a lot about the things we have to deal with mothering an angel. I don't know what I would do without you ladies!

Also, I have been meaning to do this forever! A very kind person contacted me regarding helping her fundraise for the CJ Foundation. I had to get some reassurance since we all know how cruel people can be... but even more so we know there are individuals who prey on grieving families. She was completely willing to give me whatever I needed to help her out. So here goes, visit Amber at www.facebook.com/MiAmoreBoutique and she will donate 25% of her profits to the CJ Foundation until Halloween! I have a copy of a letter from this organization verifying Amber's desire to donate, if you have questions let me know and I can share that with you.

Lastly, I am very excited to go to Madison this weekend for the Forever In Our Hearts Remembrance Day and to see some lovely friends. I couldn't think of a better way to spend October 15th, remembering all of our babies with love. Thank you Alissa and Melissa for putting this together, I can't wait to see you!

October 15th

I have been MIA, because things have been, well, crazy! I am slowly catching up, but October begins tomorrow. As many of you know, this month is important to the babyloss world. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

I want to ask everyone to go to I Am the Face and make a donation in memory of the children in our lives.

Part of my mission after River died was to help as many people experiencing loss as I could. Making a donation is one way to help me make this happen. I started volunteering for Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope earlier this year because I feel that this organization is making a difference in our community. It is hard to believe that it has been over a year since I shared River's story in hopes that it would help at least one person.

I will share more next week on the other plans I have for October 15th, it involves a trip and spending the day with amazing friends! Remembering all of our babies with so  much love.

Hope Rocks Stars

Today is the last day to place your order! Our children will be recognized by their light shining at the Hope Rocks benefit concert on September 24th. Don't miss out on this awesome way to honor your child.  

River's Run and Ride Rally is excited to be  taking the Sweet Shining Stars project to Hope Rocks, the biggest annual fundraiser Faith's Lodge has. The stars will be available for purchase here:

http://riversrally.wordpress.com/2011/08/14/hope-rocks-stars/

This is a great way to get something hand-crafted in memory of your child, and have it shown at the largest event Faith's Lodge has, all while supporting their mission.

Frustrated

So I said that I would post something with some content and I was hoping for something more positive, but you will have to bear with me, that this post is not exactly along those lines.

I am frustrated. I am trying to make big decisions, and I don't even have the power to do that anymore. I need someone to tell me to do things. I think it is just hesitancy that has manifested itself since River's death, I don't feel confident in anything anymore. Maybe it is because of the all-known "mother's failure" we all feel after our children die? Maybe because I doubt that I made the right choices while he was here, that any choice I make now, seems wrong?

I may have mentioned this before, but I read a friend's post a while back about who she was before losing her daughter...this has stuck with me, and I think it was really already there. My life is defined by "Before River" and "After River." I just wonder if I would even recognize the old me walking down the street? I don't think so. I had many friends, close by... now whether it's a change in lifestyle, or being the downer because River died that a fair number of my current friends are hours away. Oh, how I wish I lived closer to some of you!

The husband has been working more, which leaves me some time to spend with Babe and catch up on other things, but it also leaves time for my mind to wander. To think, about what used to be and what my life has become. Don't get me wrong, most things in life I wouldn't change...I wouldn't trade having River in my life, or the things I have learned because of him, but feeling so alone sometimes, I'd trade in a heartbeat.

I feel so alone and don't have anywhere to go, but here, so thank you to anyone reading, I hate that we feel like this, I hate that so many things have changed, but I love our community, where we really understand each other. Thinking of all of you, sending you lots of love and hope that this loneliness doesn't haunt you like it does me.

I will leave you with, finally a picture from the last few weeks, this was from our chapter of The Compassionate Friends, balloon release. It was storming and raining, but ended up being a beautiful night and after we began cleaning up, there was the tiniest bit of a rainbow. Although I missed getting it on camera, I will never forget how lovely it was!

Changes

I have been really awful at posting anything with substance lately. I will try to do something soon, and share some photographs of our time at Faith's Lodge last week. I am just dealing with a few changes that are actually kind of big, and I have also been working on a few things for our busy September schedule.

My father-in-law is retiring, actually Sunday is his last day as our pastor. That will be a huge difference, as this also means they are moving to their cabin...so instead of being 4 blocks away, they will be 40 minutes away. They have been wonderful, and I appreciate their help and will miss their constant company.

I went back to school, online. So after 8 years, and never taking an online course, I am a full-time student. I completed the first week, and seemed to get the hang of it, but this is only the first course...Good things will come of this, but it's tricky to be a 30 year old student!

My boss announced that she is leaving and for a small public library with 2 full-time and 2 part-time staff, this is a big deal. I have been there 2 years, and now need to address if I am qualified enough to take her position, and if so, do I apply? A director at the above mentioned library wears many hats and has responsibility of the entire operation, so if I could try for the job, should I?

Lastly, our schedule for September:
5th - retirement party next weekend
10th - Duluth day with great friends (we attended college there together)
17th - Faith's Lodge Open house
24th - Hope Rocks (speaking of which, add making stars to the agenda, order yours soon!)
25th - Tee Up Fore Tots Memorial Classic (mostly being planned by my dear friend, Laura in memory of her babies: Braylyn, Evylyn & Mason)
Busy month with busy weekends!

I am trying to think positive, that is the trick, right? All things happen for a reason? My philosphy is that even if things don't work out, I have survived worse! Well, I think I need to get some sleep, my brain has been analyzing these changes all day. I look forward to sharing some of our trip with you, soon!

Giveaway Winner!

I used random.org to generate the winner!

Since I am not at all tech savvy, or simply because I didn't figure out how, I can't show the screenshot...

But, the winner is Crystal Theresa, congratulations!!

Contact me at deanna{at}riversrally{dot}org to arrange your gift!

Thank you again, to all of you wonderful mommies that read my posts, help me on bad days and encourage me on good days. Many hugs to each one of you!

Giveaway Time!

I finally completed the giveaway gift! I made these for the memory boxes for our hospital and they turned out so lovely, I want one of my beautiful readers to have one too!
Here it is:

The winner will be able to choose from Baby Boy or Baby Girl frame, and the poem inside is the "Little Snowdrop" poem. You can remove the poem and insert a 4x6 photograph, if you wish.

All you have to do is leave a comment and I will randomly choose a winner next Friday, August 19th at 12:00pm CST. We will be at Faith's Lodge next week, so it will be a wonderful time to choose a winner from the amazing people that have picked me up when I'm down, and kept me smiling when I am happy.

Good luck, and thank you all for being here, reading and commenting. I never thought that I would have 50 people that want to hear what I have to say. THANK YOU!!!

Another Day

I have a couple of exciting things happening this week, the giveaway finally being one of them. I hope to have this arranged soon, yay!

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that gave me a little nudge over the last two days regarding my previous post. I appreciate the support I have gotten from everyone so much. Words cannot describe how you helped get me up out of the "bummer" mode. You are all amazing!

Good things to come by week's end. Stay tuned :)

Bummer

This is a non-River related post, for the most part. I am really only putting it here because I feel super bummed. I was told today that I yelled at someone...which I don't recall doing. For privacy reasons I won't say where this happened, but it's the first complaint in 2 years. Well, that should make me feel good, right?

Why is it that I feel the opposite, I feel crappy? I have tried very hard to be positive, have a smile on my face and make everyone feel welcome and comfortable, so I guess that's why this complaint almost made me cry. Ok, it did make me cry. If you've read my story, you know that River has been gone just over 2 years.

I know I should brush this off and that I am doing the best that I can, but it hurts me to know that I made someone feel uncomfortable enough to say something about it. I guess I'd better work harder at keeping this chin of mine up.

Bummer.

Followers

I suddenly hit 50 followers!!! Wow!

I'd been hanging out in the mid-forty range for awhile, and thought about a giveaway...

Which I will do, I just need to finalize my plan for what I will be giving away!
I have a few ideas, and I will try to share something in the next few days.

Thank you to everyone for reading, commenting and supporting me.
Much love and many hugs to you all.

Disaster Relief Effort

Our area was hit with a tremendous storm on Friday July 1st. Our town is fine but a bit further north, there is significant damage after winds of 100 MPH ripped through. My husband's parents cabin was hit hard, but in that area is also Faith's Lodge.

Just before the entrance to Faith's Lodge, Driveway

As many of you know, this organization is a huge part of my life. They are in dire need of financial support to clean up the hundreds of down trees. I fear that until the trees are cleared up, they won't be able to host families that so much need the hope that they provide.

Prior to the storm, Faith's Lodge structure was not visible from this road,
now you can see it with the naked eye. In this picture, (taken with my phone)
you can see the rooftop in the middle.

River's Run & Ride Rally board of directors is possibly hosting a dinner in a few weeks to further our fundraising, but I feel like I need to do something now. I'm just devastated by this, so much of our life is devoted to that facility and their mission. I have come up with this immediate fundraising effort: 
This photograph was taken this Sunday after the storm in River's Garden - I couldn't believe the beauty of Mother Nature at our home after seeing the devastation just 30 minutes away.

In an attempt to share this beauty while helping Faith's Lodge, for a donation of $5.00 to River's Run & Ride Rally, I will email you this JPEG as a THANK YOU for your help in this effort. All proceeds from this photograph will go directly to Faith's Lodge toward their clean up expenses. Please put Disaster Relief Effort and your email in the Notes field. 

NOTE: This photograph is in no way directly connected to Faith's Lodge or its employees. 

It is an attempt to help preserve the mission of Faith's Lodge by offering families suffering 

serious illness or loss of a child hope. 

Happenings

I just wanted to post quick. Things have been busy, but well.

We spent 3 days at The Compassionate Friends National Conference in Minneapolis, which was wonderful! I will post more and some pictures at a later date.

The fundraising efforts for Faith's Lodge have been going very well! We raised $1000 from a spaghetti dinner on Friday, the online auction raised just under $400 and the Support Faith's Lodge photo raised just over $100. We are truly blessed to have so much support, that in 3 short weeks since the storm we are able to donate $1500. THANK YOU to all that have donated, I appreciate your support in something that is so important to my family.

I have been working with our team at the hospital on the memory boxes, I finished the birthstone part, and have been working on the picture frames. They are going to be lovely. I will have to share some photos after we get them put together!

I think that's it for now, I just wanted to update after the auction, and tell all of my readers how much I appreciate their support, understanding and listening ears. Will share more details soon!

Restore Hope

This slideshow was created by my husband, in order to capture the devastation of the storm on July 1, 2011. Also, to help those that have never been there see the serene, peaceful setting it provided prior to this storm. Hopefully, with enough support and time, Faith's Lodge will be able to again provide this beautiful setting. It will never look quite the same, but it will continue to be "a place where hope grows."

Flashbacks

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We had a scare on Thursday night, it wasn't as bad as it was in our heads, but it was quite an experience! To back track a little bit, Rainbow Babe had a check-up on Wednesday, he had immunizations and we were given the all clear that he was happy, healthy and doing everything he should be doing... YAY!!!
For those of you that don't know our story very well, River had a check-up the day before he died and was given the all clear that he was happy, healthy and doing everything he should be doing...

Here is where the scare comes in, on Thursday evening, Babe was playing, climbing and being silly as usual. In the midst of this, he slipped off of a chair and hit his head on a ceramic tile floor, hard!  Daddy tried to catch him and got his leg, but it was too late. In the past he has fallen and hit his head, tripped and caught himself {he is a little 15 month old boy}, but this was different. He cried and when he calmed down, his body lost all color... we looked at each other in a state of panic. That color was all too familiar, and we left for the ER. This is where it hit us, that the scenario (check-up one day, ER next) was hard to handle. They asked us if we knew his weight, if he was up-to-date on vaccinations. Well, of course he just had an appointment yesterday! Daddy and I looked at each other and we reminded ourselves to take deep breaths, this was a completely different situation, but too much to bear. I fought tears, and tried to smile so Babe would not get scared and panic.

We were relieved to know that he was just fine, they did x-rays and he did not show any problems, likely a slight concussion and we had to monitor him overnight. As we left the ER all I could do was think, thank goodness they didn't put us in the same room, and thank goodness it was a different doctor.

Triggers

This weekend, was our town's festivities, Fishermen's Party. Overall, it was a pretty good weekend, with a book sale, cheese curds {yum!}, kids games, street dance and parade all being on the agenda.

Everything was so much fun and Babe enjoyed every minute, he was wiped out! So tired that he fell asleep during the parade. He is still too young to get candy or anything, but I thought maybe he'd have fun watching. My husband walks in the parade every year with his karate students and I chose to sit this year out as the little one was so tired. I parked his stroller in a shady area and watched...

Watched until the ambulances went by. Now, I have seen and heard many of these since River died, but sitting there alone, watching them drive by sloooowly, it hit. One of them was in front of my house, one of them rushed River to the hospital, one of them carried EMTs trying to save his life. I teared up and had to take a deep breath. I couldn't look again until I heard the band start playing {which meant the ambulances were gone}.

I was very glad I was sitting alone as I fought crying, luckily for me Babe woke up shortly after and I had to stroll around to calm him down. The karate students were finished by this time and I was able to pretend the "ambulance moment" never happened while enjoying dinner before the hubby had to go work. 

I have realized that it is possible to have very vivid memories that can be at the same time very foggy, while piecing together life after River died.

Small Miracles Blog Hop

I am joining Fran at Small Bird Studios in her lovely Small Miracles Blog Hop. This post is to celebrate hope. I just finished reading Saving Graces by Elizabeth Edwards this weekend, and there was a quote in the first chapter that stuck with me. There were a few quotes I made notes of, but this quote is very fitting for this topic.

"One thing I had learned over the years: hope is precious, and there's no reason to give it up until you absolutely have to."

In the book, this quote was used in reference to her holding out hope that the doctors would not diagnose her with breast cancer, but I feel like these words can apply to so many situations, baby loss being one of them. I always hope for the best, despite the loss of River. I carry his heart in mine, and hope that I can share it with the world. I hope that because he is not here, I can share his story and help others through a devastating time, and let them see life can continue. It may not be the same as it was before River, but I can smile again, I can honor him and give others hope for the future.

"Hope is precious."

Happy List Saturdays

 

I can't believe this is only the 2nd time I have done a happy list on Saturday.

Probably because I work most Saturdays and by the time I get home, I have forgotten!

My happy list this week: 

1. My husband, has really taken care of a lot of loose ends this week, I am so grateful he is here to help me keep up. He managed to take care of most everything this week, so in my down time I was able to enjoy our family and go for walks, play in River's Garden and work on my birthstone project.

2. My sons, both of them bring me so much joy. I miss River terribly, but I'm so happy to be his mother and do things to honor his life with us. Rainbow babe undoubtedly makes me smile, ALL of the time. He is developing such a sweet personality. Let me tell you, this kid's hugs are THE best!!! I often think River is hugging us through his arms. 

3. My job - don't get me wrong, I dream of someday not having to go to work 40 hours a week, but I really do love what I do. We are in the middle of the Summer Reading Program and it is so wonderful to see so many local youth so excited to read and win prizes. We have had a great turn out for our programs, and it is really a blessing to be part of such wonderful things for our community.

4. We are going to volunteer at Faith's Lodge tonight. Any visit to this amazing place is worth mentioning.

5. Seeing as it is Father's Day weekend, I should give a mention to my parents. They really support everything I do. Sometimes they say they can't keep up with me, but they never discourage me from anything. My husband's parents are the same and we would not have gotten this far in life if it weren't for their support.

6. My bloggy friends have been amazing!!! Thank you all for reading, for listening, for supporting and just for being you. I am so sorry for the reason most of us connected, but so grateful to have every one of you and your children in my life. 

For now, this completes my happy list today. I really should do this every Saturday as it makes me stop and think about the wonderful things I have in my life. {I think this was Natasha's point in creating this blog hop!?} I'm going to have to try and make the time to get this done :)