I get up every day & I go through the motions. After work, I email and blog with many BLMs, I work on River's Rally, I have many projects going for children who are no longer here, including the Sweet Shining Stars. All of this because River was here, and now he isn't. He may not be here physically but he is in my heart each and every moment. This is my life. Most days I have accepted this, some days I can't believe that it is me going through this. This is me grieving, that's what all of this is, on a path trying to find healing
I have been struggling lately that I am not spending every minute I can with my living child, and I have invested too much of myself into the projects that relate to River. I'm sure most of my BLM friends will agree that parenting a child that is no longer here is very exhausting mentally and physically!! I came to this conclusion yesterday: this is what it must feel like to have all of your children alive! Most parents must feel like they are being pulled in different directions, trying to give attention to all of their children, right? This made me feel better, and less guilty. It is ok when I take time away from 'River Projects' to spend with precious Asher and vice verse. This is a normal feeling, and it means I am doing all I can to be the best mommy my sons could ask for.
I am beginning to figure this out, this "new life" I have -- with both of my children.
This photo is my sweet River the day after he was born.